Easter Sunday

I'm home and its Easter, so every where is closed, today is my mom's last day before she's goes out of town for work and we're doing nothing, so I'm talking with Sara. i told her about the web cam and we have a 'date' for later, its kinda weird because i don't really know what to expect, lol, but we've been talking for hours about nothing really and i like that. she knows just what to say to make me feel better (i kinda got into an argument with my dad in the middle of talking to Sara) and i feel like a different person when I talk with her....still somewhat me, but with nothing to fear. i guess that's what happens when u talk to someone online =D but i still cant help but wonder what would happen if she was in driving distance away =3 .....that's something to think about

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. even though we have so much going on, I'm trying not to get caught up in much, I've never really had a good history when it comes to relationships....sexual or not.

Change of Plan's

it seems like every time I'm suppose to go to Dan's place something comes up! Tuesday i had an unexpected meeting and had to stay late, Wednesday Dan lost his phone and by the time he called me it was too late to go over, and today my mom had an emergency and i had to rush home to look after my sister. i didn't even call him today to let him know because i didn't want to tell him the bad news, yet again, that i wouldn't be able to come, it sucks though because he took the day off today for me to come over and i didn't even show up, but i will go tomorrow!! i know that he'll call and ask what the hell happened, but that will be the day though, i have a lot of stuff to do, but I'm going to make sure that i have time for him and we can hit the sheets!! =D lol, specially after my horny blog.

oh and thanks for the comments Lady V. they really make my day ^_^ i want to ask him, but as stupid as this sounds i don't know how to bring it up. i want to just sit him down and talk about dating and us, but every time we're around each other we end up having sex XD lol and p.s. wouldn't a blog about my boyfriend be boring? with no drama, just Hispanic sex?? haha! but i really enjoy the comments ^_^

Alienation

So apparently, all i had to do to get Jamie to actually be a bit interested was to ignore him. The last two days i didn't pay any attention to him, basically pretended that he didn't exist and ever since he's been all over me, and follows me around in lunch (not stalkerish follow though) and its just ironic....and funny, that when you don't show a guy any interest is when he wants to actually start bugging you. its stupid, I've officially given him a theme song too, hot & cold by Kattie Perry or whatever her name is, because he's just like that, one minute he's cold and when i forget about him he's hot XD lol, but if me alienating him has gotten me this far, i think I'll keep it up and play hard to get, because if he's really interested then he may make a move, and if not, then i wont care, because I've already forgotten about him and not even that interested in the whole "us" thing any more because I've got someone else on the side, and my mind is busy with my new years resolution, which i have been sticking to so far....hopefully i wont waiver. Jamie is the youngest one of the both and he's probably a bit immature with this whole thing (he's even younger then me) and so you've got to expect him to be a bit slow in his reactions when it comes to confronting people of the opposite sex......wow, sometimes i feel like all i talk about is either Jamie or Dan...and maybe a little bit of Steve, who just happens to of raised from the dead and started talking to me again ^_^

The one & only
DarkEmo

Cutting Strings

So finally I've made up my mind to try and cut Jamie out of my life entirely, he came with to much confusion, and i hated the fact that i thought about him as much as i did and alienated Dan like i did. So I'm just going to ignore the emotional/ physical part of our relationship and just try to be friends, we're still going to prom together but i made sure to emphasize that we were friends in the conversation today that we (all of my friends) were having about prom. I think he somewhat took my lack of interest as a challenge, because he kept following me around today during lunch. I didn't acknowledge it though. I've been talking to Dan a bit more and it's actually starting to feel like a relationship, I also got invited to a couples only valentines day (my birthday) party, so i was thinking about asking Dan, later of course because its waaaayyyyy to early, and if he says yea, then that would be great ^_^ if not, then whatever. Also whats new is that i cut off a lot of my hair last week, so I'm going for the short look, everyone seems to like it so far =] and i love it! it makes me feel like a new person entirely, also I'm trying to drop a little weight before prom, hopefully the tickets for that wont be to expensive, because if its over $100 I'm not going, and might just have an alternative prom instead -_-'

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. once again, thanks for all the comments you guys, and keep them up ^_^ i like to read what you think =3

Prostitues and Stars

Yesterday my neighbor offered me $200 to sleep with him. I told him no. the only time I've ever seen this guy was when i get home or when i go check the mail. He gives me the creeps because he's always there, watching. He told me this sob story once that his wife cant have kids and he really wants some, even though no one in the neighborhood has ever seen his wife. I'm mad that he though I'd say yes to that....do i look like a whore?

I realize that i barley talk about school. I'm mean, this is a blog about an average teen, who happens to go to school. but that's not what people want to read, they want to read about sex and lies, wishing that they could be stars, when the stars are wishing they could be on-lookers. I'm not saying that I'm a star, but sometimes i do wish that this could go back to normal, sometimes i wonder what everything would be like if i never went to that park all those months ago. I'd never been kissed, i would still be a virgin, I'd still see Jamie as that underclassmen who just happened to be my friend. I never dreamed of being with him, let alone sleeping with him. before all of this he was my dorky friend, and i was just a dorky girl. Dan's kiss seemed to have changed my whole life...

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. Btw, i want you guys to start leaving comments, i really would like to know what you think, and you don't have to be a member of blogger to leave a comment, which is awesome =]

Pictures worth a thousand words

so, i slept with one night stand Dan, wasn't much sleeping, but you know what i mean. It was hot, sweaty, and not what i thought it would be... it also wasn't what i thought it wouldn't be either, if that makes any sense. I feel the same as i did before and after the 'deed' and he said that he would call tomorrow, but i don't know, I'm not really that interested anymore. i know how bad that sounds. after everything I'm still trying to get with in a band Steve, i feel as though he would be a better choice, and Dan was kinda an easy lay. I didn't have an orgasm, but being the nerd that i am had looked it up weeks before and know that that's normal for girls during their first time. besides that i was selected to go on this student ambassador thing to go to France, Italy, and England, but its not certain yet because you have to go through a rigorous selection process because your suppose to be 'representing America' plus its a lot of money. I wonder whats going to happen now

oh yea, i took my driving test today and i passed so now i'm a legal driver! =]

The one & only
DarkEmo

It's Complicated

Tuesday was the school's blood drive and i was on the committee so it was very hectic trying to get everytihng organzied and to get everyone onto the blood mobiles. i was excited for days about donating blood myself, but then my 'time of the month' came on the day of! i was sooo mad >=o but i still went to try to see if my iron was good and it was, so i got to donate in the end =]. then on Wednesday i went back to school. it felt like i missed weeks of school instead of just two days, and everyone at school was acting like that too.

Today Dan called. i thought this whole thing was over! i was at the mall with Tee and Lindalee and i see his number on my caller id! XD after i answered he asked me what was up and how come i haven't called, i was like me?! what happened to you? this was some pretty bad timing for him to call, really bad. he asked if he could meet me again, but i told him that it was a bad time, he even started talking dirty XD lol and then he told me he was horny! ha ha! guys are so subtle, not. after convincing him that now was a bad time and that i wasn't even home at the time. the earliest i would be ready to 'see' him would be on Sunday. This is so strange, and i realizes every time i think its over between us, he calls again. it seems like he just wants casual sex.... i don't really know what to think about all of this, and right now its not even in my mind. I'm just worried about my Anatomy test tomorrow -_-'

The one & only
DarkEmo

Confused

wow, so much has happened in the last few days. my TB test came back positive so on Monday i have to get a chest x-ray, another missed day of school, but everything is fine, it came back positive because i was born in Jamaica and the vaccinations they do there is different from the one's in America, so i have a little of it in me, just to fight off the major disease, but just to be on the safe side the doctors are still making me get a chest x-ray before i can start working at the hospital. besides that I've caught a cold, just my luck, on Friday and I still have a sore throat =[ . plus my best friend got suspended from school! so i haven't seen him for a while either.

I haven't heard anything from Dan....well actually, he called on Wednesday, but during school, so i couldn't answer, and i didn't call back, i thought if it was important, he would call me again later, but he hasn't, so i was thinking about calling today, we still haven't done the 'deed' and its looking less and less likely of that happening, but i guess its better this way. the funny thing is that, everyone thinks he's the player but yet I'm the one pushing him in that direction. i think we should just start concentrating on what exactly we are, and let everything flow. When its supposed to happen, it will happen, you cant force fate.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Not so Innocent

Dan and i have started to become intimate. My cherry is still in one piece though, if that's what you thought =] . all of this seems so strange and surreal though, because I've only heard about the things that we do, I've never actually experienced them, and i realized that words never quite actually explained it right. My mom has her assumptions about what we do, but i still deny it. its still strange talking about this with her, even though we're so close, the only one i can really feel comfortable with is my best friends, and my blog =D

Today i have a meeting down by North Broward Medical center, because i signed up to volunteer there, and get some service hours. the meeting is from 6 to 8 and the place is pretty far, but my friend Tee is going to, and offered to give me a ride. i really appreciate it, but i feel as though I'm taking advantage of her, and wish i had my own car so i could drive her around and pay her back for all that gas (because gas is expensive as hell). Then today i found out, that on the cast list for the school play i got a supporting role, also known as an extra, so did all the other theater veterans. our Drama teacher/Director always picks freshman's and new students for the lead roles in new plays, because he wants to give them a chance, and see how good they really are....shouldn't he test that out on something else? not the school plays! but he's always been a strange one, and if this play burns and crumbles i wont be surprised, because that's how it always happens when he chooses an all new cast (meaning all freshmen who he's never seen their acting history or background) if they do great, then good for them, it takes great talent to get kids in our school, interested in Romeo and his Juliet. but besides that, nothing much new...or at least nothing i can remember (i have a 5 second memory)

...I cant wait till Saturday...

The one & only
DarkEmo

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I just came back from watching 'burn after reading' with my gossip gal, Tee. it was such a strange movie! i thought it was going to be sooo funny, don't get me wrong, it did have its funny moments, but there was a lot of death and drama, and mystery, which kinda over powered the comedy in the movie...but if you were planning on watching it, go. its an interesting movie to add to your 'movies I've seen' list...a very interesting movie o_o

so Dan called and said sorry about yesterday. he has family visiting and its hard to get away from them...or so he says, and asked if we could meet today to make it up to me, i said sure, after thinking about it first of course, and then headed over to the park. i have my own agenda with this guy, one that he doesn't know about. after waiting for a while, he showed up and we talked for a while, and a bit about what I've been planning for the last few days. he asked me ' are you offering yourself to me?' it was such a strange way to put it, but i said yes, my only condition is that it not be at the park. we couldn't go to either of our places because of family and in the end there was no where for us to go, so he said next weekend his family will be back home and his place will be free, so I'm meeting him again on Saturday, and that will be the day.... strange....

...there's more, but I'm going to have to break the unwritten code, and hold something back from this blog =/

The one & only
DarkEmo

Time Waster

i had to wake up extra early today, because i had to take some classes at 8 down by coconut creek (which is about half an hour away from my house) and the class was 4hrs long. after the class i got something to eat and headed home for a nap, after feeling a bit more rested i was going to call Dan and meet him at the park then head over to his place. so of course i was a bit nervous when the time came for me to call him, and when i did i told him that i wanted to meet him at the park and then go to his house. when he asked what time i told him i was heading over now, he said ok, and that he would see me soon. so i reached the park and waited while i talked to my bffl, Dez, and i waited, and waited. i called once but it kept ringing and i left a message, then i saw one of my old friends at the park and we talked for a long time. when i checked my watch, a little over an hour had passed so i thought it was time for me to leave, if he was coming he would of been there by now, because he doesn't live very far from the park. so i rode home, disappointed, after all that mental preparation he was a no show, and i didn't feel like calling constantly. that would make me look like i was desperate.
If he calls me tonight, I'll asked what the heck happened, and that conversation will determine what will happen tomorrow. maybe all these roadblocks are a sign.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Better Left Unsaid

awesome day today. lots of laughs and pictures, and once i get them all (they are on my friends cam) I'll make sure to upload some.

Dan sent me a text today 'hi love' i told tee about it and she said it was kinda freaky XD lol, i replied saying hey and whats up, and he sent back a text saying that he wanted to text me good night, it was pretty late when i got it. That doesn't sound like something a bad person does, you know? and also on my facebook, i put that i was in a relationship and my mom was like 'who are you in a relationship with?' and i thought she was joking, so i just stared at her, but i think she figured who it was eventually and right now she's not really talking to me T_T i think its strange since she allowed the whole thing...well, she didn't stop me when she knew that i kissed him that first day, but she says she doesn't trust him because of that first day kiss, but I'm in this too deep for her to actually put her foot down, so some things are better left unsaid. I also think that she thinks that I've had sex too, why she's so irritated by the whole thing. because today i took an HIV test (they we're giving them out for free and all my friends went too. I'm negative by the way) and I've been asking her about going to a gyno. i haven't gone yet because i just think the whole idea of it is strange, but i knew i would have to go eventually. I was suppose to meet Dan today, but my day of adventure was longer then i thought, so i think I'm just going to see him tomorrow and head over to his place or somewhere, I don't really want to meet at the park again.

Out of the box

{Update} *I kinda put out everything, and i mean EVERYTHING out in this blog. Nothing is ever held back.*

so everyone knows about me and Daniel, but they all don't know the whole story, that's because some of it was spread from mouth to mouth so it got jumbled and others know because i told them, but only the parts i want them to know. I've been really thinking about other options with him (i tend to over analyze things a lot) so i did some research and asked a few veterans in the subject what they thought, but none of them really knew what was going on, except for Sean. Sean is a guy who i use to have a crush on, there was even a time when i thought it was love, but he started dating one of my friends who's in a lower grade then me. but anyway, that story is long in the past, the point is i had asked him what was a good brand to buy (I'm being vague on purpose) and he told me what he thought, and before he hung up he said "good luck, and have fun!" i could tell he was smiling XD it was kinda weird asking an old crush for advise like that, but we're still close friends, sometimes i just wish things turned out differently between us, and sometimes i wonder what would of happened if Stacy never came along (Stacy is a good friend, don't get me wrong)

anyway! I'm kinda going off subject, so i was thinking about that option with Dan (my best friend nick named him, one night stand Dan) and i think I'm ready for that, now i know its kinda fast since i knew him for such a short time, but, i think that's all i really want out of the relationship.

Extra Benefits

ok, so i guess i couldn't pass up the benefits...they were just to good XD lol, at least i didn't sleep with him! and at this point the word 'friends' would be inappropriate to use. I'm excited, this is my first bf and its such a strange feeling. some of my friends at school have noticed a change in me even though i never said anything, but sometimes i think they over react... wow, for a girl who's had a boring life all 17 years, a lot is happening in just a few weeks! I think the reason why i kissed him again (kissing is somewhat of an understatement) was because i wasn't really sure if i wanted to or not, but i know I'm not going to 3rd base with him because I'm definitely not ready for that, at least not for now. so i have some confidence that I'll hold stronger to that then i did with staying away from the extra benefits. XD

I feel like i haven't really talked about school lately, ever since this guy came into the picture (oh, btw, his name is Daniel if anyone forgot) so today nothing really special happened at school, except my friends noticing something about me at lunch and then after school i had to be at 3 places at once for clubs so i was running all over the place. i had to be at I.C.C. (international club counsel) H.O.S.A (Health occupations students of America) and i also had to be at Drama (the school play is coming up soon.) then once i finished all my after school stuff me and my friend Tee (my girly gossip buddy) went out to eat then to the park, just to hang out, and then i came home. that's it.

its kinda hard to get this guy out of my head...maybe because he's my first.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Up Stairs

it seems as though someone up stair.....waaay up stairs, enjoys messing with me, the same day that i wrote the blog about the guy leaving me alone, he called -_-' i answered so that i could tell him i just want to be friends and yada yada. so after a LONG conversation trying to convince him, he finally complied, then yesterday i was supposed to go to the park, but i couldn't because i was working on a project, so i made sure to text him and let him know. he asked me if i was playing with him and just leading him on...those weren't his exact words, but you get the picture, and i told him no, and that i would defiantly see him on Tuesday (today) around the same time, which is in about over an hour from now. I'm somewhat excited about meeting him. i just have to stay true to my word and not sleep with him XD lol, because we can only be friends for now, no matter how much i want the extra benefits.

P.S.
wow! this is like my shortest blog ever! ^_^

The one & only
DarkEmo

Darkest Fears

a lot of things are going on. the thing with the guy i kissed is over. i ended it, and when i think back to as why i never know the true answer, i just keep making excuses. but the truth is I'm scared. I'm scared of being loved, because no one has ever loved me before. he wasn't crazy or a stalker, he just moved kinda fast... i guess i should fill you in on what happened.

The next day after the kiss Daniel called me, i was really nervous because to be honest i never thought he would call. he asked my if he could come over and i defiantly said no, because if he kissed that fast, then i knew what he had in mind if he came over, so we where talking and he said he missed me, and liked our kiss, and blah, blah, blah. and wanted me to meet him, but i told him i couldn't, because i had work to do (which was true) and then at the end he asked if i was a virgin and when he see me again. so the end was kinda surprising and i concluded that he was up to no good (meaning he wanted sex!) so i decided not to go to the park on Friday. when i never showed he kept calling and calling but i never answered because i didn't know what i was going to say. the only thing i hoped was that he wasn't sitting at the park waiting for me =[ he left two messages out of about 20 calls, one asked if i was coming to the park or not, and the other left his number and told me to call, but it was kinda late so i didn't.
Now, on Saturday, i tried to call to explain and get this over with, but it was hard for me to decipher the number that he left on my voicemail so i couldn't call, and he never called me on that day.... i think he got the hint that i was ignoring him, and now its Sunday morning.

What an experience... -_-'

First Kiss

I had my first kiss today....and it wasn't what I expected, not to mention, I wasn't expecting it. This is how it happened. Normally I go to ride my bike around the park three times a week (trying to get slim for homecoming and prom) and today I saw this cute guy, but I didn't really pay any attention to him because I wasn't there to pick up guys, so I kept riding, then going around again I saw him and we made eye contact, then the third time I saw him (this is a round track so we're going in circles) he called me over and I was like, 'hey, why not' you know? so I went over and we started talking (his name is Daniel and he's Spanish) he asked for my number but I wasn't sure so I just said I'll see you around and started riding again, later I saw him again riding and I had finally decided to give him my number, so I went over to him and he asked for a hug so I gave him one and then my number. after that he asked for a hug again and when I leaned in to give him one he totally busted in there (with a kiss) tongue and all! I was like a deer in head lights and didn't know what to do [this kinda stuff never happens to me] once I regained my senses, which was unfortunately a bit longer then I liked, I stepped back. He smiled and asked when he would see me again and I said sometime this week (which i shouldn't of said)... but i don't know, this was moving WAY to fast for me, especially for a girl whose never moved at all =/ . The kiss wasn't what I expected either, it was too sudden. Not anything like how I imagined my first kiss to be. To be honest I didn't know what was going on until his tongue was in my mouth >_<. If I do see him again (because even now I'm not sure) I'll have to draw some lines and say what can and cant be done, if he doesn't like that, then it wasn't ment to be... I feel really bad for letting it be that easy though =[ I wish I could have a second chance before any of this ever happened, I could either of not go out that day, or stepped back and set boundaries way before the face suck came on.

It feels good getting that off my chest

.....this is going to be one strange senior year, I can feel it