Easter Sunday

I'm home and its Easter, so every where is closed, today is my mom's last day before she's goes out of town for work and we're doing nothing, so I'm talking with Sara. i told her about the web cam and we have a 'date' for later, its kinda weird because i don't really know what to expect, lol, but we've been talking for hours about nothing really and i like that. she knows just what to say to make me feel better (i kinda got into an argument with my dad in the middle of talking to Sara) and i feel like a different person when I talk with her....still somewhat me, but with nothing to fear. i guess that's what happens when u talk to someone online =D but i still cant help but wonder what would happen if she was in driving distance away =3 .....that's something to think about

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. even though we have so much going on, I'm trying not to get caught up in much, I've never really had a good history when it comes to relationships....sexual or not.

Cold Hard Bitch

So i broke it off with Dan. I haven't heard for him in a while and then when i finally contacted him, the only thing he could talk about was sex, and i was like, wow, is this what i really want, and then a few days after that i talked to him again and we made plans for me to go over his house...today actually, but last night i was like "what the hell am i doing?" and i got the strongest vibe that this wasn't right, that something was really messed up with this whole thing, and i made the plan to break up with him. the hard part now is figuring out what to say. after thinking about it all day i finally decided to call him but i got the voice mail and left him a message that we needed to talk, later that night he called back and i told him that i wanted to end this and move on and that i wasn't coming. its was really hard but i did, then he kept asking if i would come tomorrow, or Friday, or Saturday , and after saying no to each one he asked "never?" and i said, yea, never, then he pulled the i love you card and i knew he was just saying that so that i would go over to his place, and kept asking me why i wanted to end it. it was kinda depressing, since i even got to a point where i just said that i was moving to Miami, and then he said that he can get a job in Miami and visit me ;_; he was making it so hard, but i knew it was the right thing to do, he even said that he was going to call me every day until i changed my mind, and said he wanted to see me......he pulled out all the cards and i had to be harsh for him to get it through that i was ending everything. he even called back later and continued the conversation. finally he put me on hold because he was getting a call, from none other then his mom -_-' and i just hung up after a few minutes. he just called me again, but i didn't answer, I'm trying to end this because i just have this deep gut feeling that somethings wrong and that i had to do it. If i had continued the relationship it would of hurt us both even more....i know that I'll miss him....but.... i know its the right thing to do ;_; ............growing up is hard................breaking up is even harder

The one & only
DarkEmo

Alienation

So apparently, all i had to do to get Jamie to actually be a bit interested was to ignore him. The last two days i didn't pay any attention to him, basically pretended that he didn't exist and ever since he's been all over me, and follows me around in lunch (not stalkerish follow though) and its just ironic....and funny, that when you don't show a guy any interest is when he wants to actually start bugging you. its stupid, I've officially given him a theme song too, hot & cold by Kattie Perry or whatever her name is, because he's just like that, one minute he's cold and when i forget about him he's hot XD lol, but if me alienating him has gotten me this far, i think I'll keep it up and play hard to get, because if he's really interested then he may make a move, and if not, then i wont care, because I've already forgotten about him and not even that interested in the whole "us" thing any more because I've got someone else on the side, and my mind is busy with my new years resolution, which i have been sticking to so far....hopefully i wont waiver. Jamie is the youngest one of the both and he's probably a bit immature with this whole thing (he's even younger then me) and so you've got to expect him to be a bit slow in his reactions when it comes to confronting people of the opposite sex......wow, sometimes i feel like all i talk about is either Jamie or Dan...and maybe a little bit of Steve, who just happens to of raised from the dead and started talking to me again ^_^

The one & only
DarkEmo

Cutting Strings

So finally I've made up my mind to try and cut Jamie out of my life entirely, he came with to much confusion, and i hated the fact that i thought about him as much as i did and alienated Dan like i did. So I'm just going to ignore the emotional/ physical part of our relationship and just try to be friends, we're still going to prom together but i made sure to emphasize that we were friends in the conversation today that we (all of my friends) were having about prom. I think he somewhat took my lack of interest as a challenge, because he kept following me around today during lunch. I didn't acknowledge it though. I've been talking to Dan a bit more and it's actually starting to feel like a relationship, I also got invited to a couples only valentines day (my birthday) party, so i was thinking about asking Dan, later of course because its waaaayyyyy to early, and if he says yea, then that would be great ^_^ if not, then whatever. Also whats new is that i cut off a lot of my hair last week, so I'm going for the short look, everyone seems to like it so far =] and i love it! it makes me feel like a new person entirely, also I'm trying to drop a little weight before prom, hopefully the tickets for that wont be to expensive, because if its over $100 I'm not going, and might just have an alternative prom instead -_-'

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. once again, thanks for all the comments you guys, and keep them up ^_^ i like to read what you think =3

Best Sex Ever

Great post for the new year! ^_^ So I was suppose to meet Dan on Thursday, but i didn't really feel like going so i ditched him XD lol, but he called and we rescheduled to today, he works on Saturdays so i had to go over in the morning before he had to leave, and it was the best sex we've ever had! mostly when ever we have sex, he normally just goes in and out and after i still need more. but today, it was all about me, and he took his time, it was amazing! it was hours ago but I'm still imagining and feeling it. I talked to my friend dez about it and he said he probably changed because the night before he (Dan) had called me and we we're talking about sex, i kinda sorta told him he had an average penis, even though he's a bit small, because he asked me if he was big and i didnt want to flat out lie to him, it never occurred to me that, that could be it. Dez also said that Dan had a lot of energy since it was before work when we usually meet up after work. but what ever the reason was, i hope he keeps up the good work, because he knows how to use it, hence size doesn't always matter, just how you use the tools......shame it couldn't of been Jamie though.....

The one & only
DarkEmo

Cross Roads

so its after the holidays, thanks for the few comments that were left btw, and LV, I've tried that and the list is pretty short...on both sides XD lol. as for whats been up for the last few days, a few family members have been staying over so i haven't had my computer in a wile (hence the lack of blogs) on Christmas Dan called to wish my happy holiday's, i wasn't really thinking he would but it was a good thought. I was at a party at the time and he could hear the music, he asked if i could come over after the party but i told him i couldn't because i was with family, and then that i wouldn't be free until Sunday, so he asked me to see him next week, kinda made me promise that i would. when i had finally made my mind to end things with Jamie and work my way off of Dan eventually, Jamie called me today, on my house number when i never gave it to him, it was weird because i wasn't expecting it (no one knows my house number except my best friend, everyone else calls my cell) and he wanted to know when prom was and how much it was because he got a free limo that we could use. guess i cant ditch him yet, especially if he's going to prom with me! =]

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. Thanks for the comments guys ^_^ i really enjoyed them

Prostitues and Stars

Yesterday my neighbor offered me $200 to sleep with him. I told him no. the only time I've ever seen this guy was when i get home or when i go check the mail. He gives me the creeps because he's always there, watching. He told me this sob story once that his wife cant have kids and he really wants some, even though no one in the neighborhood has ever seen his wife. I'm mad that he though I'd say yes to that....do i look like a whore?

I realize that i barley talk about school. I'm mean, this is a blog about an average teen, who happens to go to school. but that's not what people want to read, they want to read about sex and lies, wishing that they could be stars, when the stars are wishing they could be on-lookers. I'm not saying that I'm a star, but sometimes i do wish that this could go back to normal, sometimes i wonder what everything would be like if i never went to that park all those months ago. I'd never been kissed, i would still be a virgin, I'd still see Jamie as that underclassmen who just happened to be my friend. I never dreamed of being with him, let alone sleeping with him. before all of this he was my dorky friend, and i was just a dorky girl. Dan's kiss seemed to have changed my whole life...

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. Btw, i want you guys to start leaving comments, i really would like to know what you think, and you don't have to be a member of blogger to leave a comment, which is awesome =]

Big Drama! [UPDATE]

so apparently my blog has been causing some drama. i guess that's what happens when you speak your mind and everyone can read it, and people also have had some misconceptions on what some things mean, but oh well. Nothing much new, I've been meeting Dan on a regular basis now, he called me this afternoon, but it got cut short (the convo) because something happened and that he would call back, i don't really mind, it's weird actually having a normal conversation with him. I'm starting to run low on condoms and i wont be able to get birth control for another month (till January) so I'm trying to cut down on the sex, i know it would be easier to ask him to get them, but I've got a favorite kind, and they're kinda pricey, so i just get them myself, and if he knows that's why we have to cut down, i think he'll be ok with that, because i know he doesn't want to get someone pregnant, especially someone under age, although i wont be for long =] . Another thing is that my mom knows I'm having sex, and she's trying to figure out who it is but i wont tell her. She knows Dan, and has even met him once, but she doesn't like him, so i know she'll flip if she ever found out that I've been sleeping with him. It's really hard lying to her sometimes, but i know its better then the alternative if i do tell her.
And finally for the last bit of drama, my best friend is having boyfriend problems, but I'm not a liberty to say, just in case his boyfriend reads it XD get you all hyped up, just to put you back down! but that's all i can remember for now, i haven't written a blog in a while, so i cant remember everything that's happened.

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. I almost forgot! Today is my sisters birthday, she's 1!!!!

P.P.S. Dan just drunk dialed me XD lol, he called and sounded so wasted, it was weird. he wanted to come over, but i told him no because i wasn't home alone. It sucks though, cuz drunk sex is always the best sex....i cant wait to live on my own *wink wink*

Thats it?!

So i just got back from Dan's house and decided to make a blog....after showering, checking my myspace, my e-mail and more, so really i came back about half an hour ago XD lol! Dan and I meet up now about two or three times a week now, and he calls practically every day. He's a good distraction, instead of obsessing about what 'could be' with someone else, i just get agitated at how fast Dan is (in area's that he shouldn't be) when we first started he would last maybe about 10 to 15 minutes, which was fine with me, but today... as soon as i got there he was already done! not really, it was more like 5 minutes later, and i was so disappointed because i was just starting to get excited -_-' and when he tried again he couldn't get it up again, but he said he's call and wanted to see me again tomorrow, but i said Thursday, i don't want to go over EVERY day of the week!

one thing that i noticed today too was that it doesn't hurt as much as it did at first. thank god because it hurt like a fucker that very first time! and there's the whole Jamie thing.... I've stopped thinking about him as much as i use to and the feelings has gone down, because yesterday at school he kinda.....really looked like an idiot, but i don't want to judge him based on that, but it did change some things...but then again you don't have to be smart to do what i want him to do =]
and I'm also seeing couples all over the place and it kinda makes me jealous because i don't want just emotionless sex...i want a relationship, a real one.....

The one & only
DarkEmo

The Fuckin Apocalypse

This is battle of the motha fuckin sexes! when i tell you I've never been so fucking pissed in my entire life by one person before! OH MY GOD! i cant believe this whore is going to try and mess with my man, and then pretend that she doesn't like him and that she's helping me, when I'm around! first of all, she didn't even like him until i mentioned that i wanted to get into his pants!!! that conniving bitch >=o i just want to drop kick her in the face with angry music blasting in the background and a ring of fire surrounding us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nothing can even come close to how pissed i am right now! so pissed that I'm not even filling you in on what happened before! i hate this girl more then i hate John McCain! It. Is. On.

It's Complicated

Tuesday was the school's blood drive and i was on the committee so it was very hectic trying to get everytihng organzied and to get everyone onto the blood mobiles. i was excited for days about donating blood myself, but then my 'time of the month' came on the day of! i was sooo mad >=o but i still went to try to see if my iron was good and it was, so i got to donate in the end =]. then on Wednesday i went back to school. it felt like i missed weeks of school instead of just two days, and everyone at school was acting like that too.

Today Dan called. i thought this whole thing was over! i was at the mall with Tee and Lindalee and i see his number on my caller id! XD after i answered he asked me what was up and how come i haven't called, i was like me?! what happened to you? this was some pretty bad timing for him to call, really bad. he asked if he could meet me again, but i told him that it was a bad time, he even started talking dirty XD lol and then he told me he was horny! ha ha! guys are so subtle, not. after convincing him that now was a bad time and that i wasn't even home at the time. the earliest i would be ready to 'see' him would be on Sunday. This is so strange, and i realizes every time i think its over between us, he calls again. it seems like he just wants casual sex.... i don't really know what to think about all of this, and right now its not even in my mind. I'm just worried about my Anatomy test tomorrow -_-'

The one & only
DarkEmo

Learn from the past, Live in the present, Prepare for the future

I woke up this morning late, hot, and pissed. it was one of those nights -_-' not to mention, since I'm sick, it was a pretty rough sleep. i obviously stayed home today, I'm going over to the doctor to get that x-ray for this stupid TB thing. i was planning on heading over to my bffl house, since i haven't seen him in a few days. but if i leave now there's no way i can get back before 1, unless i do a drive by. so I'm just here taking care of my baby sister today, and doing a few things that i never got a chance to do over the weekend.

I think the thing with me and Dan is finally over, my three weeks of fun is finally at an end. He still hasn't called and i texted him on Saturday, i have enough guy friends to know what that means, so the only thing i can do for now, is forget it. sometimes i say its good that my first experience was so wild and out there, because next time, I'll know what not to do. =]

Confused

wow, so much has happened in the last few days. my TB test came back positive so on Monday i have to get a chest x-ray, another missed day of school, but everything is fine, it came back positive because i was born in Jamaica and the vaccinations they do there is different from the one's in America, so i have a little of it in me, just to fight off the major disease, but just to be on the safe side the doctors are still making me get a chest x-ray before i can start working at the hospital. besides that I've caught a cold, just my luck, on Friday and I still have a sore throat =[ . plus my best friend got suspended from school! so i haven't seen him for a while either.

I haven't heard anything from Dan....well actually, he called on Wednesday, but during school, so i couldn't answer, and i didn't call back, i thought if it was important, he would call me again later, but he hasn't, so i was thinking about calling today, we still haven't done the 'deed' and its looking less and less likely of that happening, but i guess its better this way. the funny thing is that, everyone thinks he's the player but yet I'm the one pushing him in that direction. i think we should just start concentrating on what exactly we are, and let everything flow. When its supposed to happen, it will happen, you cant force fate.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Not so Innocent

Dan and i have started to become intimate. My cherry is still in one piece though, if that's what you thought =] . all of this seems so strange and surreal though, because I've only heard about the things that we do, I've never actually experienced them, and i realized that words never quite actually explained it right. My mom has her assumptions about what we do, but i still deny it. its still strange talking about this with her, even though we're so close, the only one i can really feel comfortable with is my best friends, and my blog =D

Today i have a meeting down by North Broward Medical center, because i signed up to volunteer there, and get some service hours. the meeting is from 6 to 8 and the place is pretty far, but my friend Tee is going to, and offered to give me a ride. i really appreciate it, but i feel as though I'm taking advantage of her, and wish i had my own car so i could drive her around and pay her back for all that gas (because gas is expensive as hell). Then today i found out, that on the cast list for the school play i got a supporting role, also known as an extra, so did all the other theater veterans. our Drama teacher/Director always picks freshman's and new students for the lead roles in new plays, because he wants to give them a chance, and see how good they really are....shouldn't he test that out on something else? not the school plays! but he's always been a strange one, and if this play burns and crumbles i wont be surprised, because that's how it always happens when he chooses an all new cast (meaning all freshmen who he's never seen their acting history or background) if they do great, then good for them, it takes great talent to get kids in our school, interested in Romeo and his Juliet. but besides that, nothing much new...or at least nothing i can remember (i have a 5 second memory)

...I cant wait till Saturday...

The one & only
DarkEmo

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I just came back from watching 'burn after reading' with my gossip gal, Tee. it was such a strange movie! i thought it was going to be sooo funny, don't get me wrong, it did have its funny moments, but there was a lot of death and drama, and mystery, which kinda over powered the comedy in the movie...but if you were planning on watching it, go. its an interesting movie to add to your 'movies I've seen' list...a very interesting movie o_o

so Dan called and said sorry about yesterday. he has family visiting and its hard to get away from them...or so he says, and asked if we could meet today to make it up to me, i said sure, after thinking about it first of course, and then headed over to the park. i have my own agenda with this guy, one that he doesn't know about. after waiting for a while, he showed up and we talked for a while, and a bit about what I've been planning for the last few days. he asked me ' are you offering yourself to me?' it was such a strange way to put it, but i said yes, my only condition is that it not be at the park. we couldn't go to either of our places because of family and in the end there was no where for us to go, so he said next weekend his family will be back home and his place will be free, so I'm meeting him again on Saturday, and that will be the day.... strange....

...there's more, but I'm going to have to break the unwritten code, and hold something back from this blog =/

The one & only
DarkEmo

Time Waster

i had to wake up extra early today, because i had to take some classes at 8 down by coconut creek (which is about half an hour away from my house) and the class was 4hrs long. after the class i got something to eat and headed home for a nap, after feeling a bit more rested i was going to call Dan and meet him at the park then head over to his place. so of course i was a bit nervous when the time came for me to call him, and when i did i told him that i wanted to meet him at the park and then go to his house. when he asked what time i told him i was heading over now, he said ok, and that he would see me soon. so i reached the park and waited while i talked to my bffl, Dez, and i waited, and waited. i called once but it kept ringing and i left a message, then i saw one of my old friends at the park and we talked for a long time. when i checked my watch, a little over an hour had passed so i thought it was time for me to leave, if he was coming he would of been there by now, because he doesn't live very far from the park. so i rode home, disappointed, after all that mental preparation he was a no show, and i didn't feel like calling constantly. that would make me look like i was desperate.
If he calls me tonight, I'll asked what the heck happened, and that conversation will determine what will happen tomorrow. maybe all these roadblocks are a sign.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Better Left Unsaid

awesome day today. lots of laughs and pictures, and once i get them all (they are on my friends cam) I'll make sure to upload some.

Dan sent me a text today 'hi love' i told tee about it and she said it was kinda freaky XD lol, i replied saying hey and whats up, and he sent back a text saying that he wanted to text me good night, it was pretty late when i got it. That doesn't sound like something a bad person does, you know? and also on my facebook, i put that i was in a relationship and my mom was like 'who are you in a relationship with?' and i thought she was joking, so i just stared at her, but i think she figured who it was eventually and right now she's not really talking to me T_T i think its strange since she allowed the whole thing...well, she didn't stop me when she knew that i kissed him that first day, but she says she doesn't trust him because of that first day kiss, but I'm in this too deep for her to actually put her foot down, so some things are better left unsaid. I also think that she thinks that I've had sex too, why she's so irritated by the whole thing. because today i took an HIV test (they we're giving them out for free and all my friends went too. I'm negative by the way) and I've been asking her about going to a gyno. i haven't gone yet because i just think the whole idea of it is strange, but i knew i would have to go eventually. I was suppose to meet Dan today, but my day of adventure was longer then i thought, so i think I'm just going to see him tomorrow and head over to his place or somewhere, I don't really want to meet at the park again.

Out of the box

{Update} *I kinda put out everything, and i mean EVERYTHING out in this blog. Nothing is ever held back.*

so everyone knows about me and Daniel, but they all don't know the whole story, that's because some of it was spread from mouth to mouth so it got jumbled and others know because i told them, but only the parts i want them to know. I've been really thinking about other options with him (i tend to over analyze things a lot) so i did some research and asked a few veterans in the subject what they thought, but none of them really knew what was going on, except for Sean. Sean is a guy who i use to have a crush on, there was even a time when i thought it was love, but he started dating one of my friends who's in a lower grade then me. but anyway, that story is long in the past, the point is i had asked him what was a good brand to buy (I'm being vague on purpose) and he told me what he thought, and before he hung up he said "good luck, and have fun!" i could tell he was smiling XD it was kinda weird asking an old crush for advise like that, but we're still close friends, sometimes i just wish things turned out differently between us, and sometimes i wonder what would of happened if Stacy never came along (Stacy is a good friend, don't get me wrong)

anyway! I'm kinda going off subject, so i was thinking about that option with Dan (my best friend nick named him, one night stand Dan) and i think I'm ready for that, now i know its kinda fast since i knew him for such a short time, but, i think that's all i really want out of the relationship.

Extra Benefits

ok, so i guess i couldn't pass up the benefits...they were just to good XD lol, at least i didn't sleep with him! and at this point the word 'friends' would be inappropriate to use. I'm excited, this is my first bf and its such a strange feeling. some of my friends at school have noticed a change in me even though i never said anything, but sometimes i think they over react... wow, for a girl who's had a boring life all 17 years, a lot is happening in just a few weeks! I think the reason why i kissed him again (kissing is somewhat of an understatement) was because i wasn't really sure if i wanted to or not, but i know I'm not going to 3rd base with him because I'm definitely not ready for that, at least not for now. so i have some confidence that I'll hold stronger to that then i did with staying away from the extra benefits. XD

I feel like i haven't really talked about school lately, ever since this guy came into the picture (oh, btw, his name is Daniel if anyone forgot) so today nothing really special happened at school, except my friends noticing something about me at lunch and then after school i had to be at 3 places at once for clubs so i was running all over the place. i had to be at I.C.C. (international club counsel) H.O.S.A (Health occupations students of America) and i also had to be at Drama (the school play is coming up soon.) then once i finished all my after school stuff me and my friend Tee (my girly gossip buddy) went out to eat then to the park, just to hang out, and then i came home. that's it.

its kinda hard to get this guy out of my head...maybe because he's my first.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Darkest Fears

a lot of things are going on. the thing with the guy i kissed is over. i ended it, and when i think back to as why i never know the true answer, i just keep making excuses. but the truth is I'm scared. I'm scared of being loved, because no one has ever loved me before. he wasn't crazy or a stalker, he just moved kinda fast... i guess i should fill you in on what happened.

The next day after the kiss Daniel called me, i was really nervous because to be honest i never thought he would call. he asked my if he could come over and i defiantly said no, because if he kissed that fast, then i knew what he had in mind if he came over, so we where talking and he said he missed me, and liked our kiss, and blah, blah, blah. and wanted me to meet him, but i told him i couldn't, because i had work to do (which was true) and then at the end he asked if i was a virgin and when he see me again. so the end was kinda surprising and i concluded that he was up to no good (meaning he wanted sex!) so i decided not to go to the park on Friday. when i never showed he kept calling and calling but i never answered because i didn't know what i was going to say. the only thing i hoped was that he wasn't sitting at the park waiting for me =[ he left two messages out of about 20 calls, one asked if i was coming to the park or not, and the other left his number and told me to call, but it was kinda late so i didn't.
Now, on Saturday, i tried to call to explain and get this over with, but it was hard for me to decipher the number that he left on my voicemail so i couldn't call, and he never called me on that day.... i think he got the hint that i was ignoring him, and now its Sunday morning.

What an experience... -_-'