Ignored 2011

Heeeey there!

Long time no see, apparently 2011 was either uneventful or extremely busy for me to skip a whole year. A little of both really. 21, finally. I've left v.... now I'm remembering why 2011 isn't on here, haha, we split in December, obviously I'm not too torn up about it. We grew apart and the last year of our relationship was me trying to keep the pieces together. struggling with the fact that he wasn't as great as I thought he was and with my inner thoughts (that I'll explain in a bit)

Sooooo.....I've always thought I was bisexual, never questioned the fact, but the older I became the more I realized I wanted to spend my life with a woman, that I enjoy everything about being with a woman, and love everything about being with a woman. Long story short, I’m a lesbian, and I always confused myself as being a bisexual, so don't go thinking that being LGBT is a choice, a lot of internal battles was going on that I never expressed. When I discovered myself I knew it was time to say good-bye to V because I was wasting both of our times. I've started actively dating now, something I’ve never really done before and got a few really great women but also some really crazy ones haha, you never really know how insane a woman can get until you date one! As for friends me and Dez aren't as close anymore, he moved to Orlando with is boyfriend and because of that we don't get to talk as much, back home though my friend jojo and I became closer, I met her first on Facebook, but we didn't have our first meeting until a few months after I started dating V. After all that time we've become supper close and its great, she’s smart, beautiful, sarcastic, and definitely has her head on her shoulders and she knows what she wants. Even though I've been dating and meeting new people a part of me hopes that one day we can be more than friends, but hopes for the hopeless, lol, it’s like I know everything about her but nothing at all, but changing the topic before anyone thinks I'm obsessed. I've gotten my associates in Biology and on the way to getting a bachelors, the amount of jobs I've gone through this year trying to find the right one to pay my bills is CRAZY!!!! but I'm still working at good old Bath & BodyWorks like I've been the last few years, haven't been able to find one I love just as much as BBW. Gotten a new car too, my old one was literally too old and just died out on me, went through almost a whole year before I got another one, saving up money myself. So much has happened in the months I’ve been gone and it’s so much to explain, but I’ll try to keep it up this time I promise. The 18 year old me that started this blog is a completely different person from the one typing now. I’ve lost some weight, chopped off all my hair (growing back into a fro now because I chopped a few months ago) changed my style a bit and been way more open and verbal with how I feel, and as corny as it sounds communication is key, there has been times when I missed out on really great people because the communication wasn’t clear and an opportunity missed never to be returned again... feels like I’m speaking from the heart haha, yea I missed my chance, but that’s a story for another day. For now, goodnight bloggers and I hope this has satisfied your thirst for the ‘happenings’ in my life

The one & only

DarkEmo

P.S. I've also taken up photography, every picture that i put up with my posts now are pictures that I've personally taken, follow me on instagram ;-]

A surprise i could of waited for

Third blog of the day, and this is a good one, Easter Sunday is full of surprises. My best friends phone got cut off, so lately he's been calling me on random numbers, mostly his cousins, so I've come to recognize around the first four digest when i see it. after a day of anime and talking to Sara i was feeling pretty good about life and how smooth everything was going. the fact that I'm graduating soon, that I'm heading over seas during the summer, that i finally finished a very kick ass essay for my English class and that I've taken the initiative to start working out... so what I'm trying to get too is that, i just got a phone call, and the first few numbers looked familiar so i answered thinking it was Dez calling from his cousins phone. what surprised me the most was the fact that the voice that greeted my hello, was that of a very Hispanic man.... -_-' it was Daniel. He asked me why i haven't called in so long and if i lied about loving him and that he loves me and he wants to see me blah blah blah! I was so annoyed to begin with that he was the one on the phone that i wasn't being gentle at all "its because we're over, done" "i don't want to do this anymore" "how do you expect me to see you now after we haven't spoken in so long!" i said things like that, he's totally crazy, he even said he was going to kill himself! T_T I'm so tired of this guy, this is the guy who took my first everything. it was never suppose to turn out like this... i thought it would of been over from the first time.
He said he's going jogging tomorrow at the park and asked for me to meet him, i said no. Now I'm thinking that maybe i should go to straighten things out and let him know face to face that i don't want to see him anymore, but only if I'm with at least one friend...preferably three...any volunteers.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Easter Sunday

I'm home and its Easter, so every where is closed, today is my mom's last day before she's goes out of town for work and we're doing nothing, so I'm talking with Sara. i told her about the web cam and we have a 'date' for later, its kinda weird because i don't really know what to expect, lol, but we've been talking for hours about nothing really and i like that. she knows just what to say to make me feel better (i kinda got into an argument with my dad in the middle of talking to Sara) and i feel like a different person when I talk with her....still somewhat me, but with nothing to fear. i guess that's what happens when u talk to someone online =D but i still cant help but wonder what would happen if she was in driving distance away =3 .....that's something to think about

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. even though we have so much going on, I'm trying not to get caught up in much, I've never really had a good history when it comes to relationships....sexual or not.

Aftermath

so its been a few days since i ended it with Dan and i have to admit that i do miss him. He was serious about the 'call everyday' thing though and has even tried to call me on different numbers so i wouldn't know it was him. i know that if i answer I'll get sucked up into this whole thing again, so I'm trying to stay calm and not answer...sometimes i get freaked out though, wondering if he'll turn into one of those crazy ex-boyfriend killers, the 'if i cant have you, no one will' syndrome......i hope not, hopefully he'll give up and stop calling, he even calls in the morning too while I'm at school, which he never use to do. I'm trying to take everything easy, because i feel liked i raced into this way to fast, so after i clear my head and try to start my life over, I'll finally be able to have a normal relationship, but this time i wont rush it, I'll just go with the flow, no matter how slow the current is. I wonder if there will be more drama or not in my life? Jamie is still here and i do have feelings for him, but i try not to get excited when something happens because i don't want to be let down again, so if anything is more steady, or if anything BIG happens between us, I'll let you know. He's still going to prom with me though =]

The one & only
DarkEmo

Cold Hard Bitch

So i broke it off with Dan. I haven't heard for him in a while and then when i finally contacted him, the only thing he could talk about was sex, and i was like, wow, is this what i really want, and then a few days after that i talked to him again and we made plans for me to go over his house...today actually, but last night i was like "what the hell am i doing?" and i got the strongest vibe that this wasn't right, that something was really messed up with this whole thing, and i made the plan to break up with him. the hard part now is figuring out what to say. after thinking about it all day i finally decided to call him but i got the voice mail and left him a message that we needed to talk, later that night he called back and i told him that i wanted to end this and move on and that i wasn't coming. its was really hard but i did, then he kept asking if i would come tomorrow, or Friday, or Saturday , and after saying no to each one he asked "never?" and i said, yea, never, then he pulled the i love you card and i knew he was just saying that so that i would go over to his place, and kept asking me why i wanted to end it. it was kinda depressing, since i even got to a point where i just said that i was moving to Miami, and then he said that he can get a job in Miami and visit me ;_; he was making it so hard, but i knew it was the right thing to do, he even said that he was going to call me every day until i changed my mind, and said he wanted to see me......he pulled out all the cards and i had to be harsh for him to get it through that i was ending everything. he even called back later and continued the conversation. finally he put me on hold because he was getting a call, from none other then his mom -_-' and i just hung up after a few minutes. he just called me again, but i didn't answer, I'm trying to end this because i just have this deep gut feeling that somethings wrong and that i had to do it. If i had continued the relationship it would of hurt us both even more....i know that I'll miss him....but.... i know its the right thing to do ;_; ............growing up is hard................breaking up is even harder

The one & only
DarkEmo

Change of Plan's

it seems like every time I'm suppose to go to Dan's place something comes up! Tuesday i had an unexpected meeting and had to stay late, Wednesday Dan lost his phone and by the time he called me it was too late to go over, and today my mom had an emergency and i had to rush home to look after my sister. i didn't even call him today to let him know because i didn't want to tell him the bad news, yet again, that i wouldn't be able to come, it sucks though because he took the day off today for me to come over and i didn't even show up, but i will go tomorrow!! i know that he'll call and ask what the hell happened, but that will be the day though, i have a lot of stuff to do, but I'm going to make sure that i have time for him and we can hit the sheets!! =D lol, specially after my horny blog.

oh and thanks for the comments Lady V. they really make my day ^_^ i want to ask him, but as stupid as this sounds i don't know how to bring it up. i want to just sit him down and talk about dating and us, but every time we're around each other we end up having sex XD lol and p.s. wouldn't a blog about my boyfriend be boring? with no drama, just Hispanic sex?? haha! but i really enjoy the comments ^_^

Slaker!

I'm so horny T_T i haven't had sex since 'the greatest sex ever' blog and I'm totally going through the symptoms of cutting back, like don't get me wrong, Dan is still in the picture and he calls every day, but his work schedule has been changed up, and its harder for him to see me, he called me about 3 different times yesterday and the last time i missed his call =/ so i didn't get to talk to him in the night. one thing he likes to do though which sucks since i cant see him is to talk dirty on the phone >_< and its always in the strangest places! its so sexually frustrating!! he's like a can of pringles, once you pop you just cant stop!! lol! XD and if you haven't guessed, me and Dan are kinda official now, but for all the Jamie fans out there, he's still in the picture, but I'm not trying to pursue a relationship from him, because he doesn't really know what he wants and i guess since i was his first he wants to test out some more options. but i wouldn't mind sleeping with him again, teach him some new tricks...hopefully he lasts longer =D lmao!!! i feel like I'm cheating on Dan when i say things like that, but as long as i don't do it wile we're together, then I'm fine. I never thought we'd be together this long, when i first met Dan i thought he was going to be a one night stand, and it even seemed like that for a wile, but it seems like he's really sincere. Hopefully i wont go into this thing thinking about sunshine and stars, just to get chewed up and spit out. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt....wile still keeping my distance at the same time, smart way, i hope. Its not as hard for me to say i love you as it use to be....

The one & only
DarkEmo

Alienation

So apparently, all i had to do to get Jamie to actually be a bit interested was to ignore him. The last two days i didn't pay any attention to him, basically pretended that he didn't exist and ever since he's been all over me, and follows me around in lunch (not stalkerish follow though) and its just ironic....and funny, that when you don't show a guy any interest is when he wants to actually start bugging you. its stupid, I've officially given him a theme song too, hot & cold by Kattie Perry or whatever her name is, because he's just like that, one minute he's cold and when i forget about him he's hot XD lol, but if me alienating him has gotten me this far, i think I'll keep it up and play hard to get, because if he's really interested then he may make a move, and if not, then i wont care, because I've already forgotten about him and not even that interested in the whole "us" thing any more because I've got someone else on the side, and my mind is busy with my new years resolution, which i have been sticking to so far....hopefully i wont waiver. Jamie is the youngest one of the both and he's probably a bit immature with this whole thing (he's even younger then me) and so you've got to expect him to be a bit slow in his reactions when it comes to confronting people of the opposite sex......wow, sometimes i feel like all i talk about is either Jamie or Dan...and maybe a little bit of Steve, who just happens to of raised from the dead and started talking to me again ^_^

The one & only
DarkEmo

Cutting Strings

So finally I've made up my mind to try and cut Jamie out of my life entirely, he came with to much confusion, and i hated the fact that i thought about him as much as i did and alienated Dan like i did. So I'm just going to ignore the emotional/ physical part of our relationship and just try to be friends, we're still going to prom together but i made sure to emphasize that we were friends in the conversation today that we (all of my friends) were having about prom. I think he somewhat took my lack of interest as a challenge, because he kept following me around today during lunch. I didn't acknowledge it though. I've been talking to Dan a bit more and it's actually starting to feel like a relationship, I also got invited to a couples only valentines day (my birthday) party, so i was thinking about asking Dan, later of course because its waaaayyyyy to early, and if he says yea, then that would be great ^_^ if not, then whatever. Also whats new is that i cut off a lot of my hair last week, so I'm going for the short look, everyone seems to like it so far =] and i love it! it makes me feel like a new person entirely, also I'm trying to drop a little weight before prom, hopefully the tickets for that wont be to expensive, because if its over $100 I'm not going, and might just have an alternative prom instead -_-'

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. once again, thanks for all the comments you guys, and keep them up ^_^ i like to read what you think =3

Best Sex Ever

Great post for the new year! ^_^ So I was suppose to meet Dan on Thursday, but i didn't really feel like going so i ditched him XD lol, but he called and we rescheduled to today, he works on Saturdays so i had to go over in the morning before he had to leave, and it was the best sex we've ever had! mostly when ever we have sex, he normally just goes in and out and after i still need more. but today, it was all about me, and he took his time, it was amazing! it was hours ago but I'm still imagining and feeling it. I talked to my friend dez about it and he said he probably changed because the night before he (Dan) had called me and we we're talking about sex, i kinda sorta told him he had an average penis, even though he's a bit small, because he asked me if he was big and i didnt want to flat out lie to him, it never occurred to me that, that could be it. Dez also said that Dan had a lot of energy since it was before work when we usually meet up after work. but what ever the reason was, i hope he keeps up the good work, because he knows how to use it, hence size doesn't always matter, just how you use the tools......shame it couldn't of been Jamie though.....

The one & only
DarkEmo

Cross Roads

so its after the holidays, thanks for the few comments that were left btw, and LV, I've tried that and the list is pretty short...on both sides XD lol. as for whats been up for the last few days, a few family members have been staying over so i haven't had my computer in a wile (hence the lack of blogs) on Christmas Dan called to wish my happy holiday's, i wasn't really thinking he would but it was a good thought. I was at a party at the time and he could hear the music, he asked if i could come over after the party but i told him i couldn't because i was with family, and then that i wouldn't be free until Sunday, so he asked me to see him next week, kinda made me promise that i would. when i had finally made my mind to end things with Jamie and work my way off of Dan eventually, Jamie called me today, on my house number when i never gave it to him, it was weird because i wasn't expecting it (no one knows my house number except my best friend, everyone else calls my cell) and he wanted to know when prom was and how much it was because he got a free limo that we could use. guess i cant ditch him yet, especially if he's going to prom with me! =]

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. Thanks for the comments guys ^_^ i really enjoyed them

Prostitues and Stars

Yesterday my neighbor offered me $200 to sleep with him. I told him no. the only time I've ever seen this guy was when i get home or when i go check the mail. He gives me the creeps because he's always there, watching. He told me this sob story once that his wife cant have kids and he really wants some, even though no one in the neighborhood has ever seen his wife. I'm mad that he though I'd say yes to that....do i look like a whore?

I realize that i barley talk about school. I'm mean, this is a blog about an average teen, who happens to go to school. but that's not what people want to read, they want to read about sex and lies, wishing that they could be stars, when the stars are wishing they could be on-lookers. I'm not saying that I'm a star, but sometimes i do wish that this could go back to normal, sometimes i wonder what everything would be like if i never went to that park all those months ago. I'd never been kissed, i would still be a virgin, I'd still see Jamie as that underclassmen who just happened to be my friend. I never dreamed of being with him, let alone sleeping with him. before all of this he was my dorky friend, and i was just a dorky girl. Dan's kiss seemed to have changed my whole life...

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. Btw, i want you guys to start leaving comments, i really would like to know what you think, and you don't have to be a member of blogger to leave a comment, which is awesome =]

Big Drama! [UPDATE]

so apparently my blog has been causing some drama. i guess that's what happens when you speak your mind and everyone can read it, and people also have had some misconceptions on what some things mean, but oh well. Nothing much new, I've been meeting Dan on a regular basis now, he called me this afternoon, but it got cut short (the convo) because something happened and that he would call back, i don't really mind, it's weird actually having a normal conversation with him. I'm starting to run low on condoms and i wont be able to get birth control for another month (till January) so I'm trying to cut down on the sex, i know it would be easier to ask him to get them, but I've got a favorite kind, and they're kinda pricey, so i just get them myself, and if he knows that's why we have to cut down, i think he'll be ok with that, because i know he doesn't want to get someone pregnant, especially someone under age, although i wont be for long =] . Another thing is that my mom knows I'm having sex, and she's trying to figure out who it is but i wont tell her. She knows Dan, and has even met him once, but she doesn't like him, so i know she'll flip if she ever found out that I've been sleeping with him. It's really hard lying to her sometimes, but i know its better then the alternative if i do tell her.
And finally for the last bit of drama, my best friend is having boyfriend problems, but I'm not a liberty to say, just in case his boyfriend reads it XD get you all hyped up, just to put you back down! but that's all i can remember for now, i haven't written a blog in a while, so i cant remember everything that's happened.

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. I almost forgot! Today is my sisters birthday, she's 1!!!!

P.P.S. Dan just drunk dialed me XD lol, he called and sounded so wasted, it was weird. he wanted to come over, but i told him no because i wasn't home alone. It sucks though, cuz drunk sex is always the best sex....i cant wait to live on my own *wink wink*

Thats it?!

So i just got back from Dan's house and decided to make a blog....after showering, checking my myspace, my e-mail and more, so really i came back about half an hour ago XD lol! Dan and I meet up now about two or three times a week now, and he calls practically every day. He's a good distraction, instead of obsessing about what 'could be' with someone else, i just get agitated at how fast Dan is (in area's that he shouldn't be) when we first started he would last maybe about 10 to 15 minutes, which was fine with me, but today... as soon as i got there he was already done! not really, it was more like 5 minutes later, and i was so disappointed because i was just starting to get excited -_-' and when he tried again he couldn't get it up again, but he said he's call and wanted to see me again tomorrow, but i said Thursday, i don't want to go over EVERY day of the week!

one thing that i noticed today too was that it doesn't hurt as much as it did at first. thank god because it hurt like a fucker that very first time! and there's the whole Jamie thing.... I've stopped thinking about him as much as i use to and the feelings has gone down, because yesterday at school he kinda.....really looked like an idiot, but i don't want to judge him based on that, but it did change some things...but then again you don't have to be smart to do what i want him to do =]
and I'm also seeing couples all over the place and it kinda makes me jealous because i don't want just emotionless sex...i want a relationship, a real one.....

The one & only
DarkEmo

Sex sex and more sex

It's been a long time since I've made a blog, mostly because i didn't want a certain someone to read it....but why make a blog if no one can read it? any way, a lot has happened since my last blog. I wanted to become friends with benefits with one of my friends Jamie and we talked about it and he said sure. i was so happy ^_^ then a few weeks later we were both at a party and i got really drunk and high.....and we slept together that night. it was his first time and my first was with Dan, so i didn't have that pressure on me. it didn't last very long but it was good, less rough (Dan was rough). and then the next time we saw each other was kinda awkward. we talked about it and i asked if what happened that night was a one time thing, and he said "i don't know, maybe" and we were still close friends, some days even closer, but we haven't had sex again. it was driving me crazy because i wanted too, but i didn't know how he felt....or i didn't want to know because i was afraid of what i might hear. Dan's been calling again for the past week and now I'm using him to keep my mind off of Jamie, i think the reason why he's affecting me so much is because we were friends before. I've been going to Dan's house every now and then and we're very successful with the no strings attached relationship and i wish it could be like that with Jamie, a fuck with no emotions. My best friend is calling me a sex addict though because I've just lost my virginity and I've had more sex then him who lost it before me. i don't think I'm an addict because I'm not tossing it at everyone, but i do love a persons touch better and my hormones are at a high, this is just one way to calm them down =] one very fun way. I'm running low on condoms though, so I've got to get some more, Dan's always going through more than one, and I've got to start talking birth control just to be on the safe side. My mom found out that i slept with Jamie, but she thinks he was my first and that it was the only time I've had sex.... but that's far from the truth.

The Fuckin Apocalypse

This is battle of the motha fuckin sexes! when i tell you I've never been so fucking pissed in my entire life by one person before! OH MY GOD! i cant believe this whore is going to try and mess with my man, and then pretend that she doesn't like him and that she's helping me, when I'm around! first of all, she didn't even like him until i mentioned that i wanted to get into his pants!!! that conniving bitch >=o i just want to drop kick her in the face with angry music blasting in the background and a ring of fire surrounding us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nothing can even come close to how pissed i am right now! so pissed that I'm not even filling you in on what happened before! i hate this girl more then i hate John McCain! It. Is. On.

Pictures worth a thousand words

so, i slept with one night stand Dan, wasn't much sleeping, but you know what i mean. It was hot, sweaty, and not what i thought it would be... it also wasn't what i thought it wouldn't be either, if that makes any sense. I feel the same as i did before and after the 'deed' and he said that he would call tomorrow, but i don't know, I'm not really that interested anymore. i know how bad that sounds. after everything I'm still trying to get with in a band Steve, i feel as though he would be a better choice, and Dan was kinda an easy lay. I didn't have an orgasm, but being the nerd that i am had looked it up weeks before and know that that's normal for girls during their first time. besides that i was selected to go on this student ambassador thing to go to France, Italy, and England, but its not certain yet because you have to go through a rigorous selection process because your suppose to be 'representing America' plus its a lot of money. I wonder whats going to happen now

oh yea, i took my driving test today and i passed so now i'm a legal driver! =]

The one & only
DarkEmo

It's Complicated

Tuesday was the school's blood drive and i was on the committee so it was very hectic trying to get everytihng organzied and to get everyone onto the blood mobiles. i was excited for days about donating blood myself, but then my 'time of the month' came on the day of! i was sooo mad >=o but i still went to try to see if my iron was good and it was, so i got to donate in the end =]. then on Wednesday i went back to school. it felt like i missed weeks of school instead of just two days, and everyone at school was acting like that too.

Today Dan called. i thought this whole thing was over! i was at the mall with Tee and Lindalee and i see his number on my caller id! XD after i answered he asked me what was up and how come i haven't called, i was like me?! what happened to you? this was some pretty bad timing for him to call, really bad. he asked if he could meet me again, but i told him that it was a bad time, he even started talking dirty XD lol and then he told me he was horny! ha ha! guys are so subtle, not. after convincing him that now was a bad time and that i wasn't even home at the time. the earliest i would be ready to 'see' him would be on Sunday. This is so strange, and i realizes every time i think its over between us, he calls again. it seems like he just wants casual sex.... i don't really know what to think about all of this, and right now its not even in my mind. I'm just worried about my Anatomy test tomorrow -_-'

The one & only
DarkEmo

Learn from the past, Live in the present, Prepare for the future

I woke up this morning late, hot, and pissed. it was one of those nights -_-' not to mention, since I'm sick, it was a pretty rough sleep. i obviously stayed home today, I'm going over to the doctor to get that x-ray for this stupid TB thing. i was planning on heading over to my bffl house, since i haven't seen him in a few days. but if i leave now there's no way i can get back before 1, unless i do a drive by. so I'm just here taking care of my baby sister today, and doing a few things that i never got a chance to do over the weekend.

I think the thing with me and Dan is finally over, my three weeks of fun is finally at an end. He still hasn't called and i texted him on Saturday, i have enough guy friends to know what that means, so the only thing i can do for now, is forget it. sometimes i say its good that my first experience was so wild and out there, because next time, I'll know what not to do. =]

Confused

wow, so much has happened in the last few days. my TB test came back positive so on Monday i have to get a chest x-ray, another missed day of school, but everything is fine, it came back positive because i was born in Jamaica and the vaccinations they do there is different from the one's in America, so i have a little of it in me, just to fight off the major disease, but just to be on the safe side the doctors are still making me get a chest x-ray before i can start working at the hospital. besides that I've caught a cold, just my luck, on Friday and I still have a sore throat =[ . plus my best friend got suspended from school! so i haven't seen him for a while either.

I haven't heard anything from Dan....well actually, he called on Wednesday, but during school, so i couldn't answer, and i didn't call back, i thought if it was important, he would call me again later, but he hasn't, so i was thinking about calling today, we still haven't done the 'deed' and its looking less and less likely of that happening, but i guess its better this way. the funny thing is that, everyone thinks he's the player but yet I'm the one pushing him in that direction. i think we should just start concentrating on what exactly we are, and let everything flow. When its supposed to happen, it will happen, you cant force fate.

The one & only
DarkEmo