Not Again

So everything has been good, to the point where i was actually loving it. I was friends with Jamie, even though sometimes Dez would be a mega jerk to him, i still talked to Sara occasionally, we weren't that close to begin with, and Dan was out of the picture. I even had a little side project of trying to get one of my friends to come out of the closest, because she was soooo gay and the only person who didn't know it was her. besides all that nothing else was going on in my life, just living everything as it goes and having fun like a normal teen should. I even lost some weight and got a tattoo. Really everything was going good. looking back now, it was pretty amazing. So today i was getting a bunch of my friends together and asking them to go to the movies with me on Saturday night, and i text a bunch more and even text Dan, even though i knew he wouldn't text back or call, because he didn't even text back on my birthday, that jerk, and then text some more friends, and later this afternoon, none other then Dan's name shows up on my caller i.d., and for some strange reason i pick up.
"Hey Dan"
"Hi" silence...."How are you" you could feel the tension on both sides of the phone, whether it was good or bad i couldn't tell.
"Good" thats all i was really allowing myself to say, i always felt like such a clutz when i spoke to him.
"And your Family?"
"Their good to.....and you?"
"Same"
"I haven't heard from you in a while" i was hoping that this would be where i get closure, where he would finally explain what was going on between us, and what he really wanted...
"....where is the movies?" i tell him where "and what time are you going?" i couldnt beleive that he was actually considering hanging out with my friends
"i don't know yet, but I'll let you know"
"I miss you" here we go again, the line that he always pulls after we dont talk for a while
"oh" i didnt know what else to say
"I haven't been with anyone since i was with you"
"oh, well neither have i, but I'm dealing" i know he's talking about sex, and i don't want to get dragged into that, specially since I'm pmsing XD
"I want to see you"
"i cant"
"Why?"
"because..." i was using pms as an excuse to myself, but really, i just didnt want to have sex with a stranger again
"let me see you tomorrow"
"fine"
"really?"
"I'll see you at the movies" he laughs and starts to speak in Spanish but i have no idea what he's saying
"what?" i ask him and he laughs again
"let me see you tomorrow"
"no"
"ok, I'll call you tomorrow, come over and we'll go to the movies together"
"I'll think about it, bye" i knew that was the only way to get him off the phone. the tension was growing stronger and i couldnt take it any more, so many things have gone on between us, good, but mostly bad....
"bye"

and that was our conversation, a lot was left out, but you get the point. I'm kinda regretting texting him because that was a part of my life that i had put behind me and was getting over it and was happy without it, i mean i do miss having sex, but i want to have sex with someone i care about a lot more, so that it wont be just having sex...it will be making love. like two bodies making poetry, not a porno.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Anonymous Call me!

I received an anonymous comment recently, and i just HAD to reply to this person. first thing first, who are you? >_< lol, your last comment, all in caps about the 9 Rico kids [just look for the comments in the twist blog to see what they said] had me crakin up, your right though, i mean he does do some boyfriend stuff, but i do have suspicions that he's using me for just sex. Jamie's out of the picture though, he said he didn't want to be with me (in a nicer way of course) and i guess i was afraid to be alone why i went back to Dan. I don't even fully understand myself why, we're kinda drifting apart though. probably because we're not having sex -_-' i told him no sex until i felt like this was all real and going somewhere. obviously it wasn't. I'm not really seeing anybody now, so another valentine/birthday alone. I'm still talking to Sara (the 'friend' i met in "twist") every now and then, but just as friends, like i thought. My birthday is Saturday (the 14th) so I'm going to party with my best friends and go to a few clubs and party for basically 3 days straight.

The one & only
DarkEmo

p.s. am i suppose to ask them all to get tested and show me the results?

Twist...What the Hell is wrong with me?

so the awkwardness with Jaime is somewhat gone, and Dan is attempting to be like a regular boyfriend, he asks about my family and how I'm doing blah blah blah, and even tries to throw in sex, but i stay strong and tell him not yet. so I'm going on day by day, not really making any plan for the future (relationship wise) and everything is good, a bit lacking but good. I don't know if i can change Dan to how i want him, but I've got nothing to lose by trying. Today i got in touch with a friend i haven't talked to in a really long time. So long that we both kinda forgot little tid-bits about each other, and it was like meeting her all over again. we got to know each other better, and then we started flirting, its not something i usually do, but it seemed so natural so i didn't even think twice about it. Then it got a bit more physical and well....it was my longest orgasm ever. the only thing i could say was "holy shit......"

The one & only
DarkEmo

Stepping Forward

so I'm out of my little depression (the crazy mood swings) and this is just an update. Jamie and i are still friends (even though i still remember how i felt when I'm around him) and we're still going to prom together....as friends. And now I'm just trying to concentrate on school work, because hosa (one of my classes) is finally going to clinical so I'm going to schools and clinics and stuff. Then after calling constantly for the past 3 weeks (at least i think its been three weeks) i finally answered the phone when Dan called and the first thing he says is "whats wrong? I've been calling every day!" so we had a long talk about what i felt and that i want a serious relationship, which i don't think he can give me and someone who i can show my friends to and go on dates, he said he would be my boyfriend and then tried to convince me to come over XD but i said no and i wont have sex with him until i get to know him better (which i should of done from the start) and he gets to know me better, blah blah blah, and he said, ok, then lets go to the park together (somewhere public so i know he wont try anything) and i said I'll meet you at the park, but i wont have sex with you! so he said ok, (the convo didn't go that smoothly but you get the picture) and then after he tried to get me to kiss him over the phone but i always felt like an idiot whenever i did that so i said no and that if everything worked out I'd kiss him at the park, but no sex! so he said, ok I've got to go to work now, i love you. so just to make him feel better, i told him i loved him too, and he said he'd call tomorrow. Even though I'm confused on how i really feel about him, i think that if i talk to him, and tell him exactly what I'm looking for, then maybe it will all work out for the better, maybe Dan is really who i was suppose to end up with (for now) or maybe it will all crash and burn again. One thing i know now, that i didn't know before is, never go into a relationship knowing that you care for someone other then the person your kissing....it can cause all kinda heart break.

The one & only (sometimes dyslexic)
DarkEmo

p.s. told you this one would be cheery

Annoyed With Myself

I've been really emotional lately.....the slightest thing sending me into a wave of emotions. to the point where i cry for the dumbest things or to the point where I'm so mad and angry that i start throwing things and ripping them apart, I even hurt myself, on accident. I'm not exactly sure what's making me act this way, but i do have a few ideas. these emotions spike so fast that even i don't see them coming.....its funny, just a few days ago i could have sworn it was the best time of my life, my blog use to be so up beat, drama filled, but up beat all the same, and now its just depressing. hopefully i can get out of this phase soon, its stressing me out. Unless I'm pregnant....or dying, only time will tell.

The one & only
DarkEmo

p.s. the next one will be happy, i swear.

I'm Stupid

so I've kinda been in this dark corner of depression. i slept all day and haven't eaten anything since i last talked to him. after a little pep talk i finally decided to get something to eat, so I'm doing that now. Even though i don't want to, it does hurt that i find out he doesn't care, i guess because i put so much effort into it, just to get nothing back. I'm trying to get over at least the depression stage, because tomorrow's Monday and I'll see him then....i guess everything will work out for the better....I've made so many mistakes...

The one & only
DarkEmo