No Straight Line To Be Found

So i woke up kinda groggy this morning, i had went to bed late the night before and still had to wake up early this morning to watch my sister. Then during breakfast i got a call from V, he asked if he could come over today and i said no at first because i wasn't really in the mood to see anyone or to be a host or whatever, but he was really insistent and i just gave up and said yes. When he got here later we watched some tv while Ren played around the house. It was different from all the other time's he's been over, and it sounds kinda dumb explaining it in words, but when he was about to leave (He has work today) he said he needed to tell me something and its been bothering him for some time now, so i laid there and waited for him to continue (I was laying on the couch and he was resting against my legs on the floor) First he asked me if i was a virgin and i told him straight up that i wasn't. and then after talking about that for a while he told me that he has kids O_O *shocked* but they live with there mom on the island where he was born. I was kinda shocked at first, but it didn't change how i felt about him. He's a really nice guy....though his car situation is like a thorn in my side -_- but besides that he's great! My friend told me to dumb him, but i cant dumb him because of that! if i had a kid and a guy i was dating dumped me for that I'd feel like shit. So I'm thinking that he was probably so insistent on coming over to tell me that. and it seemed like he was having a hard time letting it out too.

Also when we were talking about the virgin thing he said that he thought i was one and he knows how girls are sensitive about that sorta thing so that's why he was going so easy and taking everything so slow, so now i;m worried if he's going to try and jump my bones now that he knows its not my first time -_-' i hope not, because as much as i would want to sleep with him i want to take things slow because I'm looking for something serious....nothing involving wedding bells but not random play either....know what i mean?

The one & only
DarkEmo

Rejoice

Chole and I finally broke up (again) It was like a roller coaster, but i know this is the final time, first she was sad, then mad and then her and her cousin kept calling my phone and texting me dumb messages through the night. i just sat back and basked in the glory of how stupid they were =] i told her she was acting childish and some of the comments she made, made her sound like she was 2 (She's nowhere near that so no one freak out) she ended up calling me a bitch and hanging up. i always tried to be easy on her, but when saw how stupid she was acting the sarcastic bitch side of me came out and that pissed her off. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my chest and i can't help but laugh. I hope she doesn't do anything stupid though...she's a bit crazy. Everything feels great...but there's still this air around that feels kinda odd, if you know what i mean. I only have two more weeks left of babysitting so the last weeks of summer I'm going back to school shopping with some friends and hanging out with V....probably

The one & only
DarkEmo

Unexpected Day

So V kept telling me that he was coming over on Monday and i never quite believed it. and just tossed it off and thought something was going to come up and he'd have to cancel. Things did keep coming up, but he still made it over here.....and i was a bit surprised, so much so that i was still wearing my pj short shorts and a tank top, with somewhat bed head going on XD lol, i know, sexy! we watched tv in my room for a while and he fell asleep on my bed >_< *fan girl squeal* and then later when Ren woke up (she was taking a nap when he came) we hung out in the living room watching ren play, finally my parents came home and introductions where tossed around and finally we went downstairs and talked, just the two of us, and we got to learn more about each other, its was ok, and there was quiet moments, but then we're both quiet people, and in the end when i bid him farewell he kissed me in the elevator...where there's a camera!!! >_< i felt like i didn't know what i was doing though (With the kissing) but it was ok, he's good at taking the lead. and then he rode it back up with me and i went home, and he left....it was a kinda boring day, but i liked the ending. My mom said he's not really my type. and the thing is, he isn't compared to all the guys that I've liked before he's different....but maybe this can work, he's a really nice guy, and he's willing to take it slow, and he's ok with my nerdy skills....He's going to be done with college in two months...and I'm starting in a month...will school get in the way of anything? and can i really have sex with him?? and how long is too long for a guy to wait?!?!? so many questions so little time!

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. He said he's stop by tomorrow before work to say hey...

Thunderous

Sometimes its hard to stay friends with the people I'm friends with....only some of them...especially dez. In our rough spots i even wonder why we're friends, but after i forget the thought. In my group of friends I'm known as the reliable one. If i say I'm going to do something, i do it, if you ask me to do you a favor you can count on me to do it...but there is usually only one reliable person in a group and that sucks for me because, I'm usually the one getting let down. I woke up pissed and angry today because i got a phone call from dez. I know he's always late for everything so i told him we're going to the mall at 10 when we're really going at one. The call was to tell me that he wouldn't make it in time. Then said he'd be here.....after one. Then later another friend who promised they would come canceled, and then another. and if this was a one time thing I'd be ok with it. but every time we "try" to get together they all cancel and its just rubbing against my last nerve. Why is there no one i can count on!? Why don't i have that one friend or what ever who says they're going to be there and when i show up their there? I'm a punctual person, the kind who shows up early instead of on time and it agitates, which is an understatement, me when i see someone cant do the same for me. Plus its thundering and storming outside and the dark gloomy clouds isn't really what i need to cheer up

The one & only
DarkEmo

Fake out Make out

So V called me and said he needed to talk to me after work, and that he couldn't say it last night because all his friends were around. So the whole afternoon i was thinking about what the hell he wanted to talk about and how i was going to react to each scenario...but with all my guessing i didn't even come close to what he actually wanted. I showed up at where we were suppose to meet and we sat in the car for a while, just talking, and then silence, and then some laughing. Then he said he wanted me to meet his mom, and he wants to meet mine....he couldn't really say that in front of all his 'homeboys' i guess. I was like sure, what do i have to lose right? and then he asked me to kiss him, but i was kinda nervous because I'm not a very good kisser. but he said its ok, and i did, and we kinda sorta made out, after he said that he's a romancer and that he'll wait for me no matter how long (I think he meant by sex) and then before he left he kissed my hand and said i love you....is this a bad sign, or did i end up with a really emotional/sensitive guy? I wonder where we'd go from here???

The one & only
DarkEmo

btw it was so hot in the car and he said "Man, if it wasn't so hot I'd be all over you" also he bit my lip while we made out....does that signal a freak?

Anime Watching

V called me last night and said he got called into work, so he wouldn't be able to make it. So instead can we meet on Friday, i said sure and also explained that my car cant go very far before breaking down, because of the mileage and, he said ok, and that he'd ask a friend for something, but it was kinda hard to understand him because he was mumbling. you know when a persons mouth is too close to the phone so you cant really hear them good...that's what it sounded like he was doing. don't really have much to update about, my mom might have to fly over to the Philippines for work, and i don't really want her to go =[ because its for two weeks. and then that horrible woman who's suppose to be my grandmother is suppose to come down in august because if she's out of the country any longer they take away her green card, and my mom paid a lot of money and went through too much paperwork to let that happen. so my life is going to be hell for the two months that she'll be here -_- . Its kinda hard for me to concentrate and get my thoughts together right now so I'll make another blog if anything else happens =/

The one & only
DarkEmo

Does it Matter?

So Supermarket guy called, I'm just going to start calling him V because supermarket guy is too long...and his name starts with a V. So anyway, he said that he came to my neighborhood with his friend yesterday to see me, but when he called my phone went straight to voice-mail, so i missed my man! lol He's going shopping tomorrow and wanted to invite me with him, but i told him I'm babysitting so he said he'll call after he's done to see if I'm still babysitting and if not then we'll get together and do whatever i want, and he made sure to say he's bring more money, haha. and that he'll pay for my gas so i don't have to worry....which brings me to another point... first of all, I'm never worried about my gas, just worried that my car will break down, because its old and has way to much mileage on it, second of all, apparently I'm driving again, and its making me wonder if he lied about sharing a car with his brother. It kinda irks me that i have to drive all the time, because he's the one who invites me out, and he's the man in the relationship (obviously) so shouldn't he be the driver?? Plus there's that deep mental imprint in my brain about not dating guys without cars because ever since i was little my dad's always told me to never date a guy without a job, money, or a car. but V has a job and money....and sometimes i even see this irritation in my mom's eyes whenever i bring up the fact that I'm driving when i go out with him. So I'm battling with myself, because every time i think of this his points go down and i just want to tell him to stop calling me, but then i think of how nice he is and wonder where we're heading, and it gains him some more points. just so i can see how this plays out....
Here's the real question. "Is it ok for you to drive around your 22yr old college boyfriend, even though he is the one who pays for gas, as well as the date?"

The one & only
DarkEmo

The Long Week Of Blogs

Tuesday July 14^th 2009

I woke up this morning with wild sex hair, what makes it odd is that I didn't have sex. It was a rough night and even though I was born and partially raised in Jamaica I'm still not use to the bugs and heat. I also had a dream about Bridget.

I was sucked into a crowd. A bunch of students trying to get into a teachers class who wouldn't open the door, finally one of the students managed to get a window clear and it exposed that the teacher was having an affair with another teacher. I just stood there the whole time as I just appeared in the room and the rest of the students raced in after, rioting. Bridget entered from the back door of the classroom to break up the riot, she looked more beautiful then I remembered and my heart skipped a beat, I was stunned and payed attention to nothing else but her. “I'm very disappointed in you” even though she was across the room I could hear her as though she spoke right into my ear. “wait!” I called after her as she turned to leave, trying to explain that I had nothing to do with the riot and didn't even want to be in the room. I ran down the hall after her and then suddenly popped into a class room filled with students, faces I didn't know, but I could tell this was the class I was suppose to be in. “Is Bridget going to be our college professor for the whole year?” I asked the class. “Yea” a voice replied, but I couldn't tell who. Then Bridget walked in and stood behind her desk “have a seat” she told everyone. I smiled, not being able to hide my excitement, from know that I have a whole year to spend with her...

and that's when I woke up. Its pretty weird because I've never dreamed about her before, so this left me feeling odd, yet happy at the same time. When I get back from vacation I have Monday off so I planned on going to the Beach with Sean & Stacy, and even Dez. I was going to ask supermarket guy if he wanted to come too, because he and his friends always goes to the beach (or so he says) I'm hoping he says yes, because this will be the first time that my friends meet someone I've....well I don't know what to call it, but its the first time my friends meet someone I know from the outside of our group who I didn't meet in school....if that makes a bit of sense. Anyway, I'll write again tomorrow, and then post a weeks worth of posts in one day when I get back =] lol

Wednesday July 15^th 2009

So the next day of my vacation is finally over, and its still hot as ever here in Jamaica. The heat kinda got to my head and made me irritated and pissed at the world, so I didn't call supermarket guy, I'll do that tomorrow. Tomorrow we're all suppose to head to the beach, that's right next to a waterfall, I was really excited to go swimming with everyone and to climb the falls, but as the day grows to an end, they keep making up excuse after excuse and it ended up that no one wants to go into the water, climb the falls, or even stay there long (besides me) and all I want to say is, whats the point of going then!? Because its a long trip and they aren't even going to do anything. The only thing that seems to be keeping me happy for the next day is crumbling before my eyes....

btw, I had another dream about Bridget, I cant remember what it was, because it was a long day...but I'm kinda hoping that I have another one tonight. I miss her

Thursday July 16^th 2009

Didn't have the energy to actually turn on my computer, so this update is on my phone. We went to Ochi Rios today, and even though I didn't get to ride the jet ski or climb the entire falls I still had fun watching my sister. It was her first time swimming and she had a blast, it was a very tiring trip and we where there the whole day. I didn't get to call supermarket guy again, because I left the phone home so I'll try again tomorrow, not much planned, just going to visit my grandpa's brother then maybe go to my grandmother's house, as much as I hate that woman, my mom still wants to visit her, because she'll feel too bad if she just ignores her the whole week. I didn't have a dream about Bridget...i didn't have any dreams last night, and at Ocho Rios I met this really cool girl from England, but we didn't get to talk for long. We were both in the infirmary, she had a cold and I fell on a rock and cut my hand open (good thing there were no sharks in the water!) So by the time our convo was actually going somewhere the nurse bandaged me up and sent me on my way.

Saturday July 18^th 2009

I was really tired yesterday, probably from my climb in Ochi Thursday. I visited my family like I said and eventually had to see that woman formally known as my grandmother. I couldn't even pretend that I was happy to bee there and the look of boredom and annoyance didn't leave my face...as much as I tried. As far as I'm concerned, I have no grandmother, just 1 grandpa (on my mother's side) I've never been close with my extended family, just my mom, dad, sis, and step-dad, and I talk to my grandpa sometimes, besides them I either don't know about the others, or hate them. My family isn't the greatest set of people in the world and we have lots of drama amongst ourselves, that's why I distance myself from them and just stick with the one's who are...normal, if you can call them that, haha. Today is my last full day in Jamaica, and we're taking it easy, I'm suppose to go out shopping later to get a gift for my best friend. I called supermarket guy yesterday, but he didn't answer so I'll try again today. I'm hot and the water went out, so I'm waiting for it to come back so I can shower....at least the power is still working so I can use the fan =]

P.S. My hand still hasn't closed up yet from when I cut it on the rock... and its still red =/

Sunday July 19^th 2009

So I'm finally home, the ride back was pretty scary though. The plane hit some turbulence and jerked in the air, I felt like I was on a roller coaster and everyone on the plane even screamed the way it jolted around so much, for a second I didn't think I would make it. But once I got home I saw that my step dad repainted the whole house and added new designs and furniture so it looks really good. Supermarket Guy called but I missed it, because I was on the plane at the time, he said he'll call back and I know he gets off around midnight tonight so he might call then. And finally Chloe called again and asked me about my date and I told her it was pretty good and then we talked about if I started dating this guy and she was talking about how she would feel hurt and have trust issues because she wont know what I'm doing blah blah blah, but then she “had to go” so I think she's trying to avoid the subject of us about to end it all....once again, to put the icing on the cake too, she said she was dating a guy this week, but they broke up a while later. So if she can date....why cant I??? I'm trying to figure out how to end this Chloe thing without hurting any feelings and its harder then it sounds -_-' Btw Saturday night we went out and i got drunk so i slept like a log the whole night and didn't wake up for nothing.

The one & only

DarkEmo

Supermarket Guy Scores One For The Home Team

just got back from my date, that wasnt a date, that kinda is a date. i know i'm a day late on dishing the goods, but i have a valid explanation. Yesterday (the first scheduled time for the date) he didnt have his car and wanted to meet at his friends house and figure out where we wanted to go from there....that just didnt feel right to me so i just said i didn't have my car either and the only way he could get his friends car is if the friend came with us, and he didnt want that. so we resheduled to tonight. he didnt get off of work till midnight so i went there and in the end had to drive and get him....some date right? then we went to the movie theater that i always go to, and i know its kinda pricy, but i just thought every movie theater was around the same price...apparently i was wrong, the movie theater he usually goes to is way cheaper and he had brought only enough for that one, so we didnt see a movie. instead we went to see if his friend was home who lived near me, but once we got there we found out the friend was out at a club. in the end i ended up taking him home (in the hood might i add) gave him a goodnight kiss on the cheek and that was our night. Now before you jump to any conclusions and say that was crap, i had a really good time. i wasnt nervous around him like i usually am around any other person that i just met or might like. and he has kinda the same sense of humor as me, because we kinda made fun of this old man's car as he drove by us at the movie theater. He's a really quiet guy so we didnt have to force conversation and that put me at more of an ease. But during our adventures we really got to learn a lot about each other and see his personality. I still think he thinks i'm a preppy white girl because i said "totally" and he kinda laughed... >_< he kept apologizing for the date, but i kept reassuring him because i wasn't bored or anything so i was fine with the whole ordeal, i just hope i wont have to drive him anywhere again XD lol, that's the man's job! haha! and he even gave me money for gas, which i didn't need, but it still touched a soft spot since gas is so damn expensive. My lips are still tingling from when i kissed his cheek....it must be because they don't get much action, lol so that's basically my first normal date

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. I leave for Jamaica on Monday, I've been packing all weekend, so i don't know how often i can make a post there. and also Chloe called again and i want to tell her that we should have an open relationship, since she doesn't understand 'break up' and Dan texted again and i told him to stop texting me those kind of things (the "i love you" kind of things)

P.P.S damn...that was a long P.S.

Fuckin Chloe

She calls me butt-fuck-early this morning, just to ask me where supermarket guy is taking me on my date. I told her i didn't know and that its a surprise for me so she said oh then later she asks me what i'm going to say to him if he wants to go steady and i told her idk....you know what, let me just type some of our convo
Chloe:what are you going to say if he asks to go out Me: idk
Chloe: You know we're still going out
Me: well i just found that out yesterday! *my voice is filled with annoyance and frustration*
Chloe: Sorry, i cant control my emotions Me: My life is so fuckin complicated
I'm going to have to call her today and make everything as clear as i can. i dont want to do long distance, especially with someone who's so out of it! I've never regretted saying yes to something so much in my life.

The one & only (and extremly frustrated & pissed)
DarkEmo

Fingers Crossed

So yet another week has gone by....well its almost over, and so much has happened. Supermarket guy called on Tuesday and asked if we could go out on a date Friday night before i go to Jamaica, we're still thinking about where to go though, I'm hoping this turns out normal and that he's really a nice guy and not pretending. so far he's called every afternoon and we've just talked about random stuff. He really is a quiet guy, and that's good, because I'm pretty quiet too. today he said i sound like a white girl, and i thought that was kinda funny because I've gotten comments about how i talk a lot from different people. he also wanted to hang out today because he got off of work early and i was going to go, but then when i finally got off of babysitting it got pretty dark and stormy so we just stuck with the original meeting date for Friday. I'm kinda nervous about tomorrow and hoping that he doesn't want sex. Dan sent me a text while i was on the phone with supermarket guy and it said "Dee i love you" he used my first name of course, but i just felt like writing dee instead, and i just wanted to shout at him for him to get it, but i feel like that wont even work to telling him that its over. so i ignored it and continued like nothing ever happened. then to make matters worse, early this afternoon Chloe called me and said she was pmsing when she sent me that break up text and that she didn't mean it. i told her that someone asked me out and that i have a date on Friday and after a long pause she said, "i guess that's understandable, since i sent you that break up text so long ago" the conversation was quiet after that and i just told her to call later or something, just when i thought this was over all of my conflicts are coming back at once. it seems like nothing in my life will ever be easy or normal....its pretty depressing when you think about it. i hope this date doesn't blow up in my face. and I'll make sure to post a blog as soon as i get back home

The one & only
DarkEmo

The Story of supermarket guy...and a little extra

yesterday i had to go to the market to pick up a few things with my mom, and i saw supermarket guy there again. he called me over and said that he didn't remember all the numbers i gave him and this time he had his cell phone so he asked me for my number again, so i might get a call this weekend, but I'm going to Jamaica next week so the timing of everything is pretty bad. my mom said he looks like a humble guy and i think he seems kind of shy, that's a bit of a plus to me because i cant stand guys who are cocky. So here's his description, he's a little taller then me, same skin color, light brown, and has really low cut hair. he's not skinny but not fat either, so he's right in the middle. and when he smiles his eyes gets all squinty, lol. i don't know what can come from this, but i cant help but think that at least it feels a bit normal. all my previous relationships have been pretty crazy and out there -_-' but speaking of previous relationships, Chloe called me last night but i was sleeping and then she sent me a text, which i didn't see until this morning and this is what it said:
"Hey i think we should break up. I'm sorry i love ya still i just think you deserve better. write me, don't text back"
so its finally over, i said I'd call her later just to make sure, even though that text sounds a bit like BS but i don't really care enough to argue. so its another string tied off in my life, i still have to get rid of Dan though, who's still calling me, and I'm a bit connected to him because he is the guy who took my virginity, but, i don't really see anything good coming from dating him, so that's why I'm trying to get out of it so bad. then there's the Bridget thing....i still love her....but I'm trying to keep my distance for now and then talk back to her once school starts back, its some stupid plan of mine to try and stay away long enough for her to miss me (though i doubt she will) and then jump back in and we'll be best friends and then hopefully escalate from there XD i know, only a hopeless romantic would think something like that would really work...any way, if i do call back Chloe and anything interesting happens I'll make sure to blog about it

The one & only
DarkEmo

Continued from this morning

so Dan finally texted back and now I'm at a loss for words, here's the rest of the conversation

Me: I'm with some friends, you don't have to call me love, we're not dating
Dan: Dandra, i love you
Me: I doubt that, you barely know me
Dan: I can see my love. i need to speak with you beautiful
Me: What do you need to talk to me about?
Dan: About Love mamy

and then that's where i draw a blank.....

The one & only
DarkEmo

twist after twist in my boring life

ok so i know its been a while since I've updated, but once again my laptop has been giving problems and i don't really like using any other computer to update, but today i had to give in -_- So the last time i talked to Chloe she was talking about how her friends boyfriend was so romantic and how she thought that was sweet and it felt as though she was trying to signal that i wasn't romantic enough, and i was just like "oh" i cant really see myself being the kind of romantic she wants, and the only time I've ever been romantic was when i wrote poetry to Bridget. i guess its hard for me to be romantic with her because my heart is in another place. also on Tuesday this guy who works at my local supermarket asked me for my number and asked if it was alright if he could 'talk' to me, basically asking me out. he said he see's me coming there all the time (which i do =D) and finally decided to talk to me. he's 22 so he's a bit closer to my age then anyone else I've ever been with, i said sure, just to see what could come from this. none of us had a pen so he was trying to memorize my number, i think he might of forgotten and when i go to the market again he's going to bombard me XD lol. then today Dan texted me it was short so I'll just type out the convo
Dan: How are you?
Me:I'm fine
Dan: What are you doing my love?
Me: I'm with friends (total lie) and you don't have to call me love since we're not dating

after that he hasn't texted back. Deep down i really wanted it to work with us, but he just doesn't really put in the effort to meet my friends and just hang out. he was just way to much work. besides that I'm heading to Jamaica on the 13th for about a week and then my orientation for college is on the 6th. don't know what else to put in so, until next time

The one & only
DarkEmo