Strange Dream Strange Emotions

I haven't made a blog lately, even though soooo much has been going on in my mind. I'm still with Dan, and i haven't talked Steve in a few days though, i was going to message him today on myspace, but as far as the whole dating thing, that's kinda out of my head right now. My emotions have kinda been out of whack lately and I'm going through a lot of conflict in my head, not to mention I've been having strange dreams every night, not strange scary, but strange in a sexual way. Over the weekend i had the strongest urge to just rip down every poster in my room....and i did. my room now looks, bare and white, like i just moved in, and I've started sorting through my stuff, tossing stuff out and packing others in boxes. I'm also going through mood swings, and others around me are really starting to notice. one of my friends said its because I'm pregnant...but i know that's not it, and don't ask me how. I think whats really happening is I'm realizing that high school is almost over for me, and there's so many things i still wanted to do before going off to university, and all the stress of paying for applications and SAT/ACT's and sending transcripts and applying for scholarships & grants etc etc is causing me to have an early "mid life" crisis. I think all of this put together is causing all this extra stress on me. I want to break up with Dan though, its been a little over two months, but i want a real relationship, someone i can call when I'm bored, someone i can cuddle with and watch a movie with, someone to hold hands with. Something like that.....and Dan isn't really that. ( a girl can change her mind if what she wants)

Dez and his boyfriend are doing really good, I'm happy for him, kinda envious in a way because of how lovey dovey they are. but the other day he called and told me that his bf said i love you, and he said it back. i was kinda surprised though, because 3 weeks is a pretty short time, but, he's all excited about it and i think he really means it. I've said i love you in some pretty short times too but i never meant it...

P.S. After stripping my room down to the bone, I'm feeling like i want to paint it, but i don't know what color yet, any suggestions? and after i paint it, I'll post a pic for the color that i choose in the end.

The one & only
DarkEmo

It all started with a kiss

The title is kinda my opening line, because that IS how everything started out with one night stand Dan. the first day i met him he kissed me, my first kiss and then a chain of events happened after which led to the sex. all within the time span of 2 months. so I've had both of my first times with this one man. I've had time to clear my head and actually think about everything, its still somewhat embarrassing, but it WAS my first time. I'm a bit more relaxed by the whole thought and its not as mortifying as it originally was (my best friend calls this the 'first kiss' affect) because when i had my first kiss, i was freaked out, but after a day or two i found myself actually dreaming about it. I think i have changed a bit. i cant really explain, but I'm a bit more.... Its kinda like if you've been planning to go to Disney your whole life, but when you do get there, afterwords all you can say is 'that's it?' It wasn't bad, its just that it wasn't as great as everyone hyped it up to be. so the feeling you get at that moment, is how i feel now. Dan didn't call today, but, last night i told him not to call unless he found a better place for us.....the place last night wasn't that great.... I guess I'm kinda using him for his body until i find something new, kinda slutty, but it's true. I'm still talking to in a band Steve, I'm planing on maybe asking him to the movies next week or something, just to hang out in person instead of just talking online. hopefully this works out and i can finally have something normal in my life.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Is it? or Isn't it?

I told my best friend Dez that i had sex with one night stand Dan because i don't.....i don't keep much secrets from him, but I'm a bit irritated at the fact that now that i told him, that's all he talks about, that and more sex, even though i told him i didn't want to talk about it (its an experience i don't really want to relive) but he says he's happy that there is finally someone he can talk to about this kinda stuff, but is it really ok when the other person is really uncomfortable with it? I don't want to talk about it because sex, and most of my personal life isn't really something i like to tell my friends about in great detail, and this is my first time, I don't want to share it like a huge spectacle, even though i wrote it in a blog and many people can read it, its people i don't know, and i would never have to look into their faces and see their judgment, its my way of telling someone and still being free of the ridicule.....I just hope he understands how much i really don't want to talk about it, and for him to pretend like it never happened in the first place.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Pictures worth a thousand words

so, i slept with one night stand Dan, wasn't much sleeping, but you know what i mean. It was hot, sweaty, and not what i thought it would be... it also wasn't what i thought it wouldn't be either, if that makes any sense. I feel the same as i did before and after the 'deed' and he said that he would call tomorrow, but i don't know, I'm not really that interested anymore. i know how bad that sounds. after everything I'm still trying to get with in a band Steve, i feel as though he would be a better choice, and Dan was kinda an easy lay. I didn't have an orgasm, but being the nerd that i am had looked it up weeks before and know that that's normal for girls during their first time. besides that i was selected to go on this student ambassador thing to go to France, Italy, and England, but its not certain yet because you have to go through a rigorous selection process because your suppose to be 'representing America' plus its a lot of money. I wonder whats going to happen now

oh yea, i took my driving test today and i passed so now i'm a legal driver! =]

The one & only
DarkEmo

Long Story Short

one night stand Dan isn't as out of the picture as i thought.....I'll explain more tomorrow, depending on what happens, lets just say i may need an alibi

Rock Star

I haven't made a blog in a while, i guess i was waiting for something to write about, but some people started to complain (they know who they are!) so I'm making one today on my day off. I haven't heard anything from Dan since Wednesday (of last week) so i want to say its over, but you know how he has a tendency to call right when i think it is. As for In a band Steve, we still talk a lot, and we were suppose to go to the movies this Friday, but he has a meeting with an entertainment director or whatever and has to do a recording with his band. it sucks that he cant come, but I'm happy that his band is getting more popular so there's pros and cons to the situation. Maybe next time we can hang out or one day i can go to one of his recording sessions ^_^ lol......I hope he doesn't think I'm using him because he's famous XD

as for school right now, I've been kept kinda busy with college applications and keeping my grades up. the grades part is easy, but the college applications process is expensive =[

The one & only
DarkEmo

Off Topic

Sometimes i write....a lot, and i've made poems, short stories, and recently i've just finished my very first book. i was really excited and asked my friends to read it (it took some time, because one of them is a VERY slow reader) lol, but i finally got it done. I'm telling you all this because, last night i finally got my book published! but for now it can only be ordered online, but hey, thats a start =] I'm trying to tell everyone about it so i can make some sales XD lol, here's the summary on the back:

This is Amy's last chance to visit her family before finishing her internship in Manhattan, but her holiday break unfortunately turns into a struggle to keep things, or a certain someone, from tearing her and someone she cares about apart.


its only $8.05, and if you want it just click this link




The one & only
DarkEmo

Overworked

I feel so overworked and stressed out lately, even though I've just been telling everyone that school is fine, its kinda hectic. For example, today alone my schedule in school was, study for economic test, get new student I.D. card, head over to guidance councilor for college meeting (only to find out she wasn't there) see the teacher supervisor for the Cougar Pals club, head over and tutor underclassmen in math for peer counseling, take the HOSA chapter 2 test, head over to Anatomy class and finish movie project, only to get another project due on Friday, and FINALLY go to a HOSA meeting after school. -_-' then for homework i have to read chapter 10 and 11 plus finish a packet for the test i have in Econimic's class tomorrow, and i had to study for the Anatomy test i have to take tomorrow as well...its just a lot of stuff to do in just one day and still have time to do anything else. I'm just hoping the week goes by fast so i can get to the weekend....but then again i have classes on Saturdays (only 2 hours) and on Sundays my mom drags me to church most times. it feels like i have no time for myself during the week, that there is always something to do!

Besides that Tee is trying to get me to go on a double date with her Saturday night, because a guy asked her out and she wants to go, but not by herself....-_-' she's always like this. she told me to ask Dan if he wants to come, but i don't know....he doesn't really seem like the movie type, but i promised her that i would still call him tomorrow and ask him anyway, and if he doesn't answer/says no, there's always Steve, if he's out too, then Tee is s.o.o.l. shit out of luck.

The one & only
DarkEmo

One night stand Dan, In a Band Steve

So the thing with Dan and me are same as always, its been about a month since this has all started and sometimes it still seems so surreal, but to be honest, it has given me loads of confidence in certain area's. a few days ago i met this other guy on myspace, Steve, he added me, and what started out as just a 'hi' turned into a 12hr convo about nothing XD lol, he seems like a really cool guy, and i love talking to him, he always makes me laugh ^_^ and we have a lot of things in common. for example, he is about the only person i know that likes the movie 'Lost in Translation' and so do i =] along with other things, he's in a band and lives near by (which is awesome!) and is 20, he'll be 21 in November, hopefully the age difference wont be a problem =D lol! at first i kinda felt strange because of Dan, but hey....no one said we were exclusive!

The one & only
DarkEmo