Confession

So in a way let me start from the beginning. I met Dan, and we talked for a while, but i slept with him, in a way, just to lose my virginity, and in another way, because i was a horny teenager. Then i ended it there, and a few weeks later i had that drunken night with Jamie and slept with him, and then for some reason i felt more connected to him then i did with Dan, there was more emotions behind it (on my part at least) and we had a background, he wasn't a complete stranger like Dan was at the time, and in the after math, i ended up like him, even though i didn't want to, because i knew nothing would ever come from it, but my heart and mind were battling each other all the time. Finally my friends suggested that i should get a distraction, and a few days later i got a call from Dan and figured he would be the perfect distraction. it was fun for a while, and we even started dating for a while, but i was still thinking about Jamie, and what we could be doing together instead of Dan, and after a while i felt bad....i felt like i was using Dan, which i was in a way, and i felt that a relationship where only one person seems to actually care wasn't going to work out, because it seemed like Dan really did care about me. So anyway i wanted to be with Jamie, so i left Dan, hoping that nothing would stop me, and if anything did happen it wouldn't be cheating, and i hung out with Jamie, and i got a lot of mixed signals. Finally we ended up talking today, about a bunch of stuff, but manly about 'us', and whether or not anything could happen between us, and after a while the final conclusion was no. We're still friends, but i feel like I've given up so much just to try and see if this would work, and I'm still a bit heart broken. I'm use to rejection, but, even with the practice, it still stings. I feel like a fool. I let go of Dan. For nothing.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Lie to Make Him Feel

so Dan's still calling and its really bothering me, seeing as i'm trying to forget about him. My best friend said i should go back with him, because he really cares, but is it really ok for me to be with someone i don't love? i thought of all people he would understand, because of the relationship problems he himself is having, i thought he would get that if i don't want to be with a person i'm not going to struggle to pretend that i care, i wont waste Dan's time on something that will never happen, and its like my friend wants me to lie to Dan, and to myself. all this is even harder then just going with him, but i've got to stick to it. I have a trip that i'm going on with some friends on Friday and we have to get our own rides there so i just asked Jamie if i could car pool with him and he said sure. so hopefully everything goes good then ^_^ and i hope the trip is good as well. all of my other friends are starting to have their own relationship problems now and it's weird seeing the same emotions that i had (well some of them) from another persons point of view. I hope everything goes ok with Jamie, i'm trying not to get too worked up though even though some things people are telling me is giving me false hope.....

The one & only
DarkEmo

Aftermath

so its been a few days since i ended it with Dan and i have to admit that i do miss him. He was serious about the 'call everyday' thing though and has even tried to call me on different numbers so i wouldn't know it was him. i know that if i answer I'll get sucked up into this whole thing again, so I'm trying to stay calm and not answer...sometimes i get freaked out though, wondering if he'll turn into one of those crazy ex-boyfriend killers, the 'if i cant have you, no one will' syndrome......i hope not, hopefully he'll give up and stop calling, he even calls in the morning too while I'm at school, which he never use to do. I'm trying to take everything easy, because i feel liked i raced into this way to fast, so after i clear my head and try to start my life over, I'll finally be able to have a normal relationship, but this time i wont rush it, I'll just go with the flow, no matter how slow the current is. I wonder if there will be more drama or not in my life? Jamie is still here and i do have feelings for him, but i try not to get excited when something happens because i don't want to be let down again, so if anything is more steady, or if anything BIG happens between us, I'll let you know. He's still going to prom with me though =]

The one & only
DarkEmo

Cold Hard Bitch

So i broke it off with Dan. I haven't heard for him in a while and then when i finally contacted him, the only thing he could talk about was sex, and i was like, wow, is this what i really want, and then a few days after that i talked to him again and we made plans for me to go over his house...today actually, but last night i was like "what the hell am i doing?" and i got the strongest vibe that this wasn't right, that something was really messed up with this whole thing, and i made the plan to break up with him. the hard part now is figuring out what to say. after thinking about it all day i finally decided to call him but i got the voice mail and left him a message that we needed to talk, later that night he called back and i told him that i wanted to end this and move on and that i wasn't coming. its was really hard but i did, then he kept asking if i would come tomorrow, or Friday, or Saturday , and after saying no to each one he asked "never?" and i said, yea, never, then he pulled the i love you card and i knew he was just saying that so that i would go over to his place, and kept asking me why i wanted to end it. it was kinda depressing, since i even got to a point where i just said that i was moving to Miami, and then he said that he can get a job in Miami and visit me ;_; he was making it so hard, but i knew it was the right thing to do, he even said that he was going to call me every day until i changed my mind, and said he wanted to see me......he pulled out all the cards and i had to be harsh for him to get it through that i was ending everything. he even called back later and continued the conversation. finally he put me on hold because he was getting a call, from none other then his mom -_-' and i just hung up after a few minutes. he just called me again, but i didn't answer, I'm trying to end this because i just have this deep gut feeling that somethings wrong and that i had to do it. If i had continued the relationship it would of hurt us both even more....i know that I'll miss him....but.... i know its the right thing to do ;_; ............growing up is hard................breaking up is even harder

The one & only
DarkEmo

Change of Plan's

it seems like every time I'm suppose to go to Dan's place something comes up! Tuesday i had an unexpected meeting and had to stay late, Wednesday Dan lost his phone and by the time he called me it was too late to go over, and today my mom had an emergency and i had to rush home to look after my sister. i didn't even call him today to let him know because i didn't want to tell him the bad news, yet again, that i wouldn't be able to come, it sucks though because he took the day off today for me to come over and i didn't even show up, but i will go tomorrow!! i know that he'll call and ask what the hell happened, but that will be the day though, i have a lot of stuff to do, but I'm going to make sure that i have time for him and we can hit the sheets!! =D lol, specially after my horny blog.

oh and thanks for the comments Lady V. they really make my day ^_^ i want to ask him, but as stupid as this sounds i don't know how to bring it up. i want to just sit him down and talk about dating and us, but every time we're around each other we end up having sex XD lol and p.s. wouldn't a blog about my boyfriend be boring? with no drama, just Hispanic sex?? haha! but i really enjoy the comments ^_^

Slaker!

I'm so horny T_T i haven't had sex since 'the greatest sex ever' blog and I'm totally going through the symptoms of cutting back, like don't get me wrong, Dan is still in the picture and he calls every day, but his work schedule has been changed up, and its harder for him to see me, he called me about 3 different times yesterday and the last time i missed his call =/ so i didn't get to talk to him in the night. one thing he likes to do though which sucks since i cant see him is to talk dirty on the phone >_< and its always in the strangest places! its so sexually frustrating!! he's like a can of pringles, once you pop you just cant stop!! lol! XD and if you haven't guessed, me and Dan are kinda official now, but for all the Jamie fans out there, he's still in the picture, but I'm not trying to pursue a relationship from him, because he doesn't really know what he wants and i guess since i was his first he wants to test out some more options. but i wouldn't mind sleeping with him again, teach him some new tricks...hopefully he lasts longer =D lmao!!! i feel like I'm cheating on Dan when i say things like that, but as long as i don't do it wile we're together, then I'm fine. I never thought we'd be together this long, when i first met Dan i thought he was going to be a one night stand, and it even seemed like that for a wile, but it seems like he's really sincere. Hopefully i wont go into this thing thinking about sunshine and stars, just to get chewed up and spit out. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt....wile still keeping my distance at the same time, smart way, i hope. Its not as hard for me to say i love you as it use to be....

The one & only
DarkEmo

Alienation

So apparently, all i had to do to get Jamie to actually be a bit interested was to ignore him. The last two days i didn't pay any attention to him, basically pretended that he didn't exist and ever since he's been all over me, and follows me around in lunch (not stalkerish follow though) and its just ironic....and funny, that when you don't show a guy any interest is when he wants to actually start bugging you. its stupid, I've officially given him a theme song too, hot & cold by Kattie Perry or whatever her name is, because he's just like that, one minute he's cold and when i forget about him he's hot XD lol, but if me alienating him has gotten me this far, i think I'll keep it up and play hard to get, because if he's really interested then he may make a move, and if not, then i wont care, because I've already forgotten about him and not even that interested in the whole "us" thing any more because I've got someone else on the side, and my mind is busy with my new years resolution, which i have been sticking to so far....hopefully i wont waiver. Jamie is the youngest one of the both and he's probably a bit immature with this whole thing (he's even younger then me) and so you've got to expect him to be a bit slow in his reactions when it comes to confronting people of the opposite sex......wow, sometimes i feel like all i talk about is either Jamie or Dan...and maybe a little bit of Steve, who just happens to of raised from the dead and started talking to me again ^_^

The one & only
DarkEmo

Cutting Strings

So finally I've made up my mind to try and cut Jamie out of my life entirely, he came with to much confusion, and i hated the fact that i thought about him as much as i did and alienated Dan like i did. So I'm just going to ignore the emotional/ physical part of our relationship and just try to be friends, we're still going to prom together but i made sure to emphasize that we were friends in the conversation today that we (all of my friends) were having about prom. I think he somewhat took my lack of interest as a challenge, because he kept following me around today during lunch. I didn't acknowledge it though. I've been talking to Dan a bit more and it's actually starting to feel like a relationship, I also got invited to a couples only valentines day (my birthday) party, so i was thinking about asking Dan, later of course because its waaaayyyyy to early, and if he says yea, then that would be great ^_^ if not, then whatever. Also whats new is that i cut off a lot of my hair last week, so I'm going for the short look, everyone seems to like it so far =] and i love it! it makes me feel like a new person entirely, also I'm trying to drop a little weight before prom, hopefully the tickets for that wont be to expensive, because if its over $100 I'm not going, and might just have an alternative prom instead -_-'

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. once again, thanks for all the comments you guys, and keep them up ^_^ i like to read what you think =3

Best Sex Ever

Great post for the new year! ^_^ So I was suppose to meet Dan on Thursday, but i didn't really feel like going so i ditched him XD lol, but he called and we rescheduled to today, he works on Saturdays so i had to go over in the morning before he had to leave, and it was the best sex we've ever had! mostly when ever we have sex, he normally just goes in and out and after i still need more. but today, it was all about me, and he took his time, it was amazing! it was hours ago but I'm still imagining and feeling it. I talked to my friend dez about it and he said he probably changed because the night before he (Dan) had called me and we we're talking about sex, i kinda sorta told him he had an average penis, even though he's a bit small, because he asked me if he was big and i didnt want to flat out lie to him, it never occurred to me that, that could be it. Dez also said that Dan had a lot of energy since it was before work when we usually meet up after work. but what ever the reason was, i hope he keeps up the good work, because he knows how to use it, hence size doesn't always matter, just how you use the tools......shame it couldn't of been Jamie though.....

The one & only
DarkEmo