Confession / My Last Day as a High School Student

i told her who i was today, even though it did take me the entire day to do it. Every time i had a chance i would always get to scared, like i said before, I've never been good with confrontation, and then when i did have the nerves to do it, she was to busy and couldn't hear me when i would call her, finally at the end of the day after the bell rang i was trying to tell her, but a lot of people where still in the class. but i said it any way once i realized that they weren't leaving anytime soon. she was the only one that heard me though, i made sure of that. it was really stressful for me and now that i look back at all the letters i wrote i feel so embarrassed because i put myself out so much. i basically wore my heart out on my sleeves in those letters! it was really hard for me to do. lucky though, when i confessed my voice wasn't shaking...and i tried to make a joke out of the situation >_< oh god i feel so embarrassed!!!!! its hard to describe what happened but by her reaction i could tell she wasn't freaked and i couldn't read any negative emotion...she actually looked amused...

"I'm the one who wrote those creepy letters" i laughed nervously, both my hands on my hat to keep from shaking.

The one & only (and still very confused)
DarkEmo

Missed Chance

So I attempted to talk to my crush today, but i didn't take my chance and before i knew it everyone was outside, and i lost her in the crowd. So tomorrow is the day for disappointment. I say disappointment, because i know nothing will happen and she'll just say thanks, or something to be nice. I knew that we had no future, but all my thoughts and emotions were building up inside me and the only way i could think of releasing it was by writing her and letting her read my poems that she inspired me to write. That's also part of the reason why i was a bit hostel to that one person who commented when i first introduced her and i wrote the pessimistic blog, and for that I'm sorry. people do some strange things when they're in love, and I've lost sight of myself at times and have even lashed out at people at school, not physically, but verbally. Mostly because i was so confused by how she affects me and how to deal with it....well i know i said I'd announce tomorrow who the girl was, but I'll just say it now. Some people who read my blog know who she is, and that's why i avoided saying her name, i felt like i would be ridiculed for my feelings and questioned why, because i honestly don't know the answer to that question, i'm confused by it all and nothing is being solved, only when i write, its Bridget Pyle....

The one & only
DarkEmo

Nearly Cried

I usually write my letters at home, then send them to my e-mail and print them at school. This morning when i went into my inbox to print today's letter i realized that i forgot to convert the file and the computer doesn't recognize that type. in the quick seconds that i realized i nearly cried thinking how i was going to get my crush her letter, i even considered going back home...i know crazy, but luckily google had an online converter and i got to print the letter just like any other. i always new these letter's were important to me, but today just proved actually how much. I only have three more days with her, three more days till i swallow my fears and tell her who her admirer is....or just let her know that someone out there really loves her, and keep the perfect image in her head of what they look like. I'm not that perfect image, and i'd do what ever it took to make her happy. One thing i can say is that on friday, may 22nd, you will all know who she is.

Every detail brings me closer to that glass wall that separates us

Only one word is needed for the glass to break

There's nothing I can say

There's nothing I can do now

but if that word is heard,

I can promise to keep you safe from the shattered pieces

The one & only
DarkEmo

I am her Romeo & she my Juliet

so i find myself falling more and more for this girl, and then the fact that I'm writing her secret love letters adds a little excitement to the whole situation. every time she looks at me or calls my name my heart stops, thinking that she's figures out who exactly is writing her these poems, but then it just proves to be a false alarm and i breath a sigh of relief...but also one of disappointment. i fear her response yet crave to know what she really feels. I'm trapped in a paradox of my own emotions, but for now until i decide what to do I'll keep writing as her secret admirer. i think she might know who i am after today, because one of my friends found out and made a scene right next to her and i had to block them from each other so that she (my crush) wouldn't be able to hear or read my friends lips, but who knows how good her hearing is. I hope not though, because it kinda ruins my secrecy and her image of the one who's heart she's stolen. sometimes i wish i had more time in school so i could wright her more letters. My computer is filled with letter upon letter, each and everyone with a new poem of how she affects me, how i feel about her, and how beautiful she is. maybe if she falls in love with my poetry she'll fall in love with me, and it'll be a happy ending.... but then again, happy endings don't exist.

The flames of passion will never be lit but through that darkened despair the stars in my eyes shine for only you

The one & only
DarkEmo

2 Girls, 1 Love

So today after I finished writing my blog I went to check my e-mail and saw I got a message from none other then my bipolar vampire girlfriend XD lmao, she said her computer was broken and she went to her aunts house today to use her computer, to be honest I kinda forgot all about that 'relationship' but wait, there's more! At that exact same time sexy Sara had logged on and messaged me! >_< so I was talking to them both for hours, and me and Sara finally got to use our web cams =P she's cuter in video then her pictures, she has this young look to her even though she's older then me, but after some technical difficulties we had to end it, but now I'm still talking with Chloe, the vamp. Its weird talking to them when I know my heart is somewhere else, yet I still went on. I guess this is a trait I'll need for when I graduate, and wont be able to see my love again. Because it's that day that we truly separate, and my life as a teenager ends, and the real world begins...alone, and without her. On the lighter part me and Sara are planning on taking a trip to Canada soon. Canada because she's Canadian and because I have family there so I have a place to stay. I don't know where my life is taking me anymore...

I feel like a stranger trapped in my own body. When I see my refection I don't recognize the girl in front of me

The one & only

DarkEmo

From your Secret Admirer

So i've been writing letters to my new fascination, but under the alias S.A or more commonly known as secret admirer. It lets me expose myself in ways I never thought I could, without being scared, and at the end of every letter I write a poem about how I feel about her, or how she's affected my life. It sounds pretty corny, but this is something she's in a way driven me to do and its a whole new experience for me because i've never written a love poem, let alone write one for somebody and let them read it. I have yet to see her reaction because I hide them in places that she can only get to and by the time she gets there I'm already gone. I'm hoping that she doesn't figure out its me prematurely. Meaning that I intend to let them know who her admirer is...but not until the very last day that I see her. I'm not very good with confrontation, especially when its in this department. I feel like a young poet in the Elizabethan era writing romantic poetry to a secret lover. It gives me an unexpected thrill, especially when I try to hide the letter with out getting caught. Five more days left of school, and five more days left to write her poetry

"I look on in vacant eyes because the knowledge of our nonexistent future has eradicated my very soul...."

The one & only

DarkEmo

Panic Attack

I kinda had a melt down today.....or close to one. I'll start from the beginning so you can get a well rounded picture
*the beginning*
so me Dez and Paige were all hanging out today, driving to the mall then back to my place, and it was really fin, because I'm not really use to being in this big house by myself for so long (someone is always home, whether its my mom or my sister [while i babysit] or my step-dad) so we had lots of laughs and watch videos, but then it was getting late and they had to go, so i offered to drop Paige home, the thing was, i had no idea where she lived.....something i soon regretted, and after that i had to drop Dez home. Now my car is an old geezer so she cant go very far, after a day of driving around she began to shut down on me ;-; and i was so scared because it would always be in the 'hood' and i guess a basketball game was going on tonight because there was LOADS of black people there, so i tried to get out of there as fast as i could, every time she shut down, I'd turn off the car for a while then start it back up, but right as i pulled into my neighborhood, she shut down for good, and i had to put on my hazard lights, because i was blocking traffic, i was so scared and worried because one, my mom didn't know i had taken the car out so late (it was night time might i add) and two, i wont be able to go to the gym tomorrow if she doesn't get better!! i almost broke down with frustration, but this really nice guy came and helped me push my car back to my parking spot, hopefully she can get a good rest and be as good as new.....or as she was yesterday, so everything can get back to normal. I still love you car! (and this time i don't use the word love loosely)

The one & only
DarkEmo

P.S. and before you ask the guy was married with kids. They were with him....and so was his mother....

Another Day

Today's another day, and its another day with her. Today she was standing so close to me i could smell that she had coffee that day, but it still smelled good, mixed in her own familiar fragrance. That comforting smell that i look forward to every day, and the soft touch that i anticipate, hoping that she will touch me because I'm to afraid to even graze her shoulder. even though i welcomed the closeness i still backed away, because my voice trembled with nervousness and i fidgeted with my glasses. i remember lingering near by as we both shared a conversation with a mutual friend because of the warmth radiating from her, one you cant feel from a far

"write me a love note" i knew it was a joke...but i couldn't help but get excited
"it'll be a long one" i replied

The one & only
DarkEmo

Vegas

So my parents went to Vegas on vacation so I'm here seeing how it is to live in a place myself and go to school, and basically live, and my first act of parental freedom was too......wait for it.....clean! lol, that's right, as much as i hate to clean i had to wash the dishes and take out the trash. i wasn't about to live in a dirty environment for a week....as much as my room looks like Katrina went through *cough cough* but now that I'm done cleaning I'm about to munch on some junk food for dinner and then head to the gym, haha! My friends play around about me throwing a house party, but I've been more of the kind of person that would go to a party rather then throw a party, i cant deal with the stress of having to organize a party instead of having fun. i don't really know where I'm heading with this blog so I'm just going to head out

The one & only
DarkEmo

why so pessimistic??

why so pessimistic?? I haven't told you how well i know this person or whether it's someone i watch from a distance, i haven't told you whether i see this person everyday, or if its just once a week. why so negative as to say, what i feel is too late? I'm not downing anyone, just wondering why? why the assumptions and negative moods? is it because my heart and mind keep leading me astray to the point where its my friends that's left to help me pick up the pieces? or are you just tired with my ranting about a new love every other week?.....(once again i use the word love loosely). The ending question is, why so pessimistic?? Don't stop leaving your comments, i love to see what you think, and have a disscussion about it.

The one & only
DarkEmo

Inspiration

I haven't really been writing lately because a lot of the stuff going on its really hard for me to write in words and also for some of the things I was afraid of being ridiculed because if I was someone on the outside looking in, I would be annoyed with myself. I guess first things first is to tell you about Sara. She hasn't been on-line in a while so we haven't been talking, but then again that's happened before, and then when we do talk after that its great. I guess our success comes from our distance and in a way that's kinda poetic. We're only in love when we're apart (and I use the word love loosely). I've been driving all over the place too, because my car privileges have finally been updated, and I've been going to the gym again, still trying to shed the pounds, hopefully before I head back for college. On a random note, there is only ten days left of school.

I've been a bit inspired to write poems lately and I haven't written any poems in a long time, also I've been writing a bunch of short story's as well, and this inspiration has come from someone I know, and someone I found that I really care about. But my feelings are a bit confused and that's coming out in my poetry. I do know that every time I'm touched by this person a strange tingle runs through my entire body followed by excitement, and I find my self remembering every tiny detail that they tell me about them and I watch their every move and when our eyes meet I look away. I never realized how I felt about this person until it was too late, and I was even a bit shocked and tried to convince myself other wise, but.... its still there, this strange feeling. I hope that they haven't noticed my glances, because its just going to make everything weird between us because nothing can ever come from my odd emotions, so I've just been trying to express myself and release the pent up frustration in my writings, here's a poem or whatever you want to call it that I wrote a while back about this person:

My prurient feelings for her were so strong I found myself unconsciously defending her and getting jealous when anyone spoke of her...am I mad? Driven by passionate desire? Or have I forgotten the taste of love and frightened by just how sweet it really is?

*****

I hold inside the feelings I have, because I know what I feel is wrong.

The one & only

DarkEmo